Our research team at JoeBush Dot Net has been visiting your local Applebee’s and searching for hidden items they won’t tell you about but for some reason still have the ability to make. These are the things I’ve just told you existed:

Barbecue Smackdown – Applebee’s has a wide variety of meat that you probably didn’t know could be reduced into strips, cooked the way that I guess barbecue typically is, and lain atop one another between two slices of italian bread. Then slathered with authentic barbecue sauce and covered with a unique coleslaw (it’s iceberg lettuce and mayonnaise) for your salivation. Meats included in this item are:

-Corned Beef

-Chicken

-Duck

-Several hot dogs

-Tuna

-Gravel

-Ice

BACONDOWN EPIC BACON BURGER – It’s the Bacon Cheeseburger you know and love, except prepared with five extra strips of bacon. Big Applebee-heads will remember this item from the short-lived BACONATHON promotion of a few years ago, which was scrapped due to three strokes within one night – February 18th, 2012, or “Black Saturday” to the front office, officially ended this item’s existence. Most places still know how to make it, though.

Bowl of Mayonnaise – All you have to do is ask for a bowl of mayonnaise. You’ll get a bowl of mayonnaise.

James and the Giant Peach Tea – Applebee’s James and the Giant Peach promotion won hearts over in 1996. Other entrées, such as “The Titular Giant Peach”, “James’ Taco Platter Like his Mother Made Before She Died” and “Plate of Fried Rhinocerous Meat” have been lost to time, but most locations still have the ridiculous 72-oz mugs bearing the face of Richard Dreyfuss’ Mr. Centipede character somewhere in the back because they’re made of a type of plastic impossible to recycle and illegal to put in a landfill.

Any Food Item From a Can Still in the Can – Products such as green beans, creamed corn, salsa, and nacho cheese can be requested as “still canned” and they will be brought to your table with an opened can held over a bunsen burner so you can keep your food to the optimum temperature.

All You Can Eat Ground Beef – Crumbly, delicious ground beef in a bowl. Once your bowl is finished a server will return with a scoopful of ground beef and replenish the bowl. They will not honor refusals.

Taco Meltdown – Ask for one of this and they’ll just slather your Chicken Wonton Tacos in sweet, synthetic Nacho Cheese. And you’ll put it down your fucking gullet just like everyone else.

YOU’RE GONNA EAT THIS BACON- 36 Strips of Bacon on a plate. Coincidentally also discontinued on Black Saturday. 2012 was a different time.

Asparagus S’mores – Effectively the same thing as the Churro S’mores, except with fried asparagus instead of churros to dip in the s’mores dip.

Grease – They’ll put it in or on whatever you want

Special Birthday Song – Say “I don’t have a birthday” to your server and five of them will come stand around you and chant the Classic Applebee’s Birthday Song at you backwards, then deliver you the Pentagraham Cracker Hot Fudge Meltdown on a plate that Never Cools Down.

You Want A Sundae you Big Piece of Shit? Well Here – Two 32 oz. bowls, one of Vanilla Ice Cream, and one of Applebee’s patented Hot Fudge recipe, and then another 64 oz. bowl for mixin’. $32.99

The Applebee’s Hot Dog – Feel free to order this but don’t ask where it came from if you want to be allowed in again.

The Potluck – Try ordering this at around 11:30 PM for the best luck. It’s whatever they didn’t put into the food from earlier in the day, somehow put together. I tried it on Black Saturday and got four Mozzarella Sticks, about half of a plate of Spinach Artichoke Dip, a scoop of vanilla ice cream, and 218 strips of bacon. Yesterday yielded fifteen Pickle Crispers dusted with the crumbs from a Sundae Meltdown swimming in a bowl of cold Potato Skin Soup.