LEAKED: Excerpts from Ready Player Two, the Sequel to Ready Player One

Ernest Cline’s 2011 novel Ready Player One has rocketed its way back into the news recently due to Steven Spielberg’s upcoming film adaptation and this kid’s huge leg.

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This kid’s long-ass leg is actually a genius 80’s reference to former Washington Bullets center Manute Bol

I haven’t read the original book, because I do not know how to read. However, through Deep Cyberspace VR hacking, I and the rest of the Joe Bush Dot Net Hack Team have managed to procure an early manuscript of Ready Player One’s sequel, and, oh boy, is it a book. Surprising nobody, the title to the sequel is “Ready Player Two.” I’ve picked out a few of my favorite excerpts here with minimal plot spoilers. Cline’s 80’s nerd reference-heavy rhetorical style reigns in Ready Player Two just as it did in the original –

“I opened my eyes. I must be back in the stacks, this isn’t anything like my house in VISTA, I thought. It was pitch black, like Subspace in Super Mario Bros. 2, which was called “Super Mario USA” in Japan but originally released as “Doki Doki Panic” because the real Super Mario Bros. 2 was deemed “too hard” for American gamers. I’d beaten both of them easily, though. I turned on my light with my hand and opened my eyes to see that my dick got cut off by a Gr3mlin”

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Well… Uh… Bye, Wescoe

So, whenever I reach a end, I end up writing something sentimental, like a goodbye letter, or, whatever I wrote for my first of two graduations. I’m a sucker for goodbyes. I don’t really feel like that today.

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This morning, I took my final class as an undergraduate student at the University of Kansas. Intro to Shakespeare, ENGL 332. It’s kind of a fitting bookend, even though I don’t think that me at eighteen could’ve envisioned me studying Shakespeare. Shakespeare wrote, like, a whole bunch of plays and poems and stuff, and I ended up doing all of that too. He’s better than I am, though. Continue reading

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Let me stake a claim to this joke before anyone else can

Okay, so you know how everything is bad and there’s no sign of anything getting better? It’s time to exploit that. It is time to turn a profit on the state of the world generally, and I have a plan that I will use to better myself and only myself.

Let’s move back a bit

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The Case for Saving All of My Shows on a Series of VHS Tapes Again

You know what I’m enjoying, and I have enjoyed for the past, like, two years?

I only have to pay like eleven dollars per month to the Netflix corporation to watch as much of The Office as I like. I like that show. I do a podcast about that show. It’s a classic. Also, now, I’m into It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I know I’m about five years behind the curve on that. I like being about five years behind the curve on that. I just watched This is the End like last year.

But now, just as the tide turns, Netflix is losing these shows to Hulu or Crackle or Blockbuster or whatever, and they’re never ever coming back. I’m gonna be paying eleven dollars per month for my monthly viewing of the Enron documentary and my daily viewings of the scene in Friday Night Lights where the nerd kid murders a man. I didn’t even get to finish the Vince Vaughn boxing movie.

It is during times like these when I am reminded of this image that I apparently made back in 2012 when I was sixteen. Continue reading

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Why Did I Get Elected “King Dumbass”?

This Tuesday was special election day, a day upon which people across these great United States voiced their opinion and elected new officials in their local communities. These elections, while perhaps not as ballyhooed as the presidential or mid-term elections, are arguably the most important elections to the average citizen. In the odd-numbered years, we see mayoral, city council, and school board elections that can very easily change the everyday life of the voter. It is pertinent that voters come to the polls well-informed, as they’re often voting for the person who decides their child’s future in school, or chooses to put money into their roads, or vetoes the new Burger King.

Unfortunately, voters don’t turn up for the odd-year elections as much as they do the presidential ones. While this is to be expected, it’s a problem aggravated by the media’s low coverage and the average voter’s difficulty in finding information regarding a given candidate especially on a small scale. Unfortunately, voters often turn up to the polls more often than not completely unprepared to cast their vote, uninformed on the issues but still dutiful in casting a ballot.

This, I hope, is an explanation for the fact that I got voted “King Dumbass” in Dekalb County, Illinois in 2017. On election day, thousands of people decided, overwhelmingly, that I deserved to be “King Dumbass”. I ran unopposed. Thousands of ballots, reading “KING DUMBASS _ JOE BUSH” – and only that – were printed. Enough people saw that and said “Yeah, he’s King Dumbass alright” and went ahead and ticked that box. I didn’t even ask to be on there.

Allez Les Nordiques

This is my official government photo now. The photographer told me “Joe, think real hard about your broken dreams” before he took the picture.

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Folks, I have had another Zero Bar

CW: I bite into a candy bar and then show the image of the candy bar I’ve bitten into

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Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Mister Bush, the fact that you ate one Candy bar isn’t enough to justify a post.” Well, guess what:

It is.

The Zero bar is a mythical, barely-existent candy bar. Go to your local candy store, they’ll have it, probably. Go to your local Gas station, they might have it. Go to your local vending machine, though, and chances are, it won’t be there. The average candy machine might have Big Red gum, or Mounds, or… like… Gardetto’s… But no Zero bar.

You don’t happen upon a Zero bar. You have to seek out a Zero bar. I had to seek out a Zero bar. This afternoon, when I went into the one store on the campus of this major four-year research institution that stocked Zero bars, I knew what I was coming in for and what I was leaving with. Continue reading

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Big XII Coaches Tell Their Toughest Allen Fieldhouse Stories

The Mecca of College Basketball. The Cathedral of College Basketball. The Home of College Basketball. The White House of College Basketball. The Indianapolis Children’s Museum of College Basketball. All names you’ve heard to describe one building: Allen Fieldhouse. Kansas Basketball hasn’t lost in Allen Fieldhouse since Sherron Collins’ “Leg Caught in a Bear Trap” game in 2009, and they look to defend all thirteen of their conference titles this season upon the hallowed home floor.

“Old Fieldhousey,” as it’s called, can get rowdy, wild, and even rambunctious, but one thing it’s definitely going to get is chaotic. A lot of people pack into this old house and yell really loud every now and then, and boy do you hear it. At Big XII Basketball Media Day this week, several Big XII coaches weighed in on their toughest experiences at the Fieldhouse.

large crowd Continue reading

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