This series must be prefaced with the two simplest facts I’ve ever stated:
1. A few weeks ago, Mark Zuckerberg testified in front of congress, and he sat upon a chair with an extra cushion to make him appear taller. As a man of relatively average height, I don’t understand his pain, but I’ve got my host of aesthetic flaws (acne, bad hair) and I hope that this was his decision out of genuine insecurity and not something done for him to appear taller out of a desire for better optics on Facebook’s behalf. Mark Zuckerberg is 5’7″ tall
2. NBA 2K16, which I bought two years ago, has a delightfully earnest but relatively sloppy story mode written and directed by Spike Lee.
The guy from the CapitalOne ads in front of people in mocap body suits
I like a lot about this mode, and we couldn’t have the excellent similar story modes that came in later Madden and FIFA games (I know this from hearsay, I haven’t played them) were it not for the sloppy steps taken in NBA 2K16.
Anyway, this all prompted the question: What if Mark Zuckerberg pursued a different career? Continue reading
Look, y’all. I get it. The FBI raided the office and home of President Trump’s lawyer, Michael Cohen, on Monday. It might implicate him in a corruption controversy and would cause a genuine shake-up at the top of the United States government if we lived in some sort of fantasy land where the rich and powerful ever had to be held accountable for the awful things they all did to get rich and powerful. Unfortunately, we live where we do, and that’s just how it is, and thirty years from now nobody’s going to read about the Dude Who’s Office Got Searched to No End. Michael Cohen is very rich, and any of the things that the FBI took from him can be replaced, probably.
Sorry if I sound dejected. It’s just, y’know, you all spent all this time thinking and reading about this chucklehead whose office and home were raided by the FBI and I haven’t seen a single damn article about how my office and home were also raided by the FBI yesterday. It’s fine, though. Read about the rich lawyer who probably had, like, a laptop – a completely replaceable laptop – taken because of a role in what may genuinely be a case adjacent to treason, and keep ignoring Sweet Little Me, who had all his irreplaceable things taken by the FBI for some reason I don’t even understand.
And, look, just because I don’t understand most things, it doesn’t make the fact that I don’t understand this specific thing any less important.
Here is the list of the things they took, and their reasoning for taking them, followed by my commentary regarding whether or not i think they’re justified in that reasoning, in the traditional sense of the Joe Bush dot Net Classic Article:
My cup of pens and pencils
Ladies and gentlemen, you’re about to enter a new generation of blogging: That’s right, Premium Blogging! I’ve been offering my blog stylings for free for far too long, almost three and a half years at this point, and it’s just time for that nonsense to end right here. That’s right, folks, if you’re interested in paying for my writings, you can join the official Joe Bush dot Net Gold Plan. Continue reading
That’s right. The season starts today, and boy howdy, does that mean the season starts today. Each team in both leagues did some soul-searching over the course of the offseason and decided that they’d be happy playing ball again this weekend, and we have the privilege of paying a minimum of $10 and a maximum of like $1,200 in these huge stadia to watch them do so, and then we’ll pay a minimum of $14 and a maximum of like $18 for the right to drink a domestic light beer in said stadia. With all that known and good, time has come for me to predict this year’s coming ball-and-batmen whose hits and swings will come to define the American Pastime like so few others can.
The Yankees Look to Reinvent Power
Well, folks, it’s that time again: Time for an intrusive thought to become a reality. I thought “a product called PepsiCoffee that’s just Pepsi and Coffee together would be a funny product” like two years ago. It’s probably been exactly that length of time since I’ve purchased a regular can of Pepsi (non-diet soda makes my tumby and teef hurt, etc) and in a recent experiment, I bought a six pack of the little cans of Pepsi (I chose Pepsi partially to make CoffeePepsi, partially because I knew Coke gives me a headache, and partially because there’s been a Pepsi ad on TV and I was like “oh, whatever, I’ll give it a shot”).
I’ve learned two things:
- Pepsi still makes my tumby and teef hurt 😦
- PepsiCoffee is a feasible thing to drink
Now if you think my coffee maker’s a disgusting state of dirtiness, I would like to remind you that a dirty coffee maker gets the soul of every cup I’ve made before into each new cup, thus making every experience even better.