The NBA Offseason is my favorite professional offseason, I think. Most sports have a relatively long down period between a final game and any relevant off-season front office movement. The NFL Draft happens two months after the Super Bowl, Major League Baseball’s draft happens in the middle of the season for some reason. The NBA Draft happens like next week, and the free agent signing period happens not ten days after that. The NBA matches the quick movement into the meaty part of the offseason with a fanbase whose time-killing discussions are relatively enjoyable, too.

Obviously there’s no shortage of asinine arguing about whether one would pick Michael Jordan over LeBron James over Kobe Bryant over Kiki Vandweghe or whoever, much like how there’s going to be a Brady/Manning debate until we die. This is why it also helps to be a fan of a sport like baseball where every great player also used some sort of drug – amphetamine, cocaine, steroids, whatever deer antler thing Mark McGwire used – so the argument gets convoluted before it can even begin. However, NBA fans find a way to make discussion enjoyable in a thoughtful sense, like just last week it was asked if a team would have a better defensive threat out of Andre Roberson or Isaiah Thomas with a gun.

Anyway, this is my humble attempt to add my own wrinkle to the debate over which team LeBron James should choose to play for next season. The Rockets, Celtics, and Lakers will make their cases and have had their cases made for them. It is my job to find the funniest possible option.

Option 1: LeBron rejoins the Cavaliers but in some sort of joint administrator/player role

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I bought this game because it cost my only two dollars, and while it’s been slightly less than… like… enjoyable, I’ve been fascinated by it. NO THING is crushingly difficult. It took me a while to pass the first level, and the second level’s proven unpassable for days. Maybe one day I’ll get hot, and I’ll make it all the way through, but in the meantime, I’m stuck on the second level. The mechanical part of the game is hardly complex – turn left at the proper time, turn right at the proper time, and follow the road until you reach the end. This is hardly more complex than games as archaic as Night Driver, and the punishing difficulty should have driven me away from it after my second hour trying to complete the second level. Continue reading →

THE BASKET, J.R.

The whole point of the basketball game is to

PUT THE BALL INTO THE BASKET

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Did you sail across the sun?

Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded?

And heaven is overrated? Continue reading →

Folks, it’s the joke of the day, everywhere is updating their privacy policy and they’re required to tell you via email. Who’s to blame for this minor annoyance?

That’s right.

It’s the EU. The dang Union. They’ve screwed us again – once with the Euro, once with the FIBA Trapezoidal Free Throw Lane, and now with these damn emails that eBay keeps sending me. And this time it’s not because the VHS of The World is Not Enough I sent to Sephiroth98 in North Carolina was haunted.

As a retort against our Belgian (de facto) leaders, I would like to stare firmly at their little “General Data Protection Regulation,” and shove it directly up my own ass.

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It’s been nearly a decade since we last departed Scranton, but the fan theories still persist! Undoubtedly you’ve heard of some of my favorites – Toby Flenderson is the Scranton strangler, Michael Scott is actually smart, Kevin laundered all of Dunder Mifflin’s money, they make you think about the show we watched for years! But what about those that don’t make you think at all? What about those fan theories that were so completely obvious and in many cases completely directly stated in the script of the show?

ERIN HANNON, NOT AS HOPELESS AS SHE SEEMED? Erin and several of the office men had sexual relationships

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