The Ten WORST College Basketball Student Sections

You asked, and we provided. These are the worst places to catch – or play – a college basketball game in the United States –

10. The Foo Fighters –


Someone learned to fly in front of these guys, and his name, was, Michael Jordan

Big me, am I right? These guys just played a full set on stage instead of cheering or acknowledging my team or my impeccable on-court performance. I scored 34 points, I think I got the best of them, right?

9. The clowns –


I, uh, I didn’t steal this

These guys just suck. Not even funny. One dude sprayed seltzer at me when I was trying to shoot a layup

8. The Airport Baggage Claim –


These guys are all mostly silent aside from a few grumbles, and just sort of nudge past each other every few minutes to pick up a bag. They come and go, new people every twenty minutes or so. Snore!

7. Crowd, Jars of Clay Concert –


These are all like, fifteen year old kids and pastors. They don’t get hyped for anything but God, let alone a sick 360 Dunk on the opposing power forward. Lift me up, am I right?

6. Utah –


The Muss? More like the Mustard, I guess.

I mean, come on, guys

5. People’s Uprise Commune, Baltimore, MA –


My friend Rodrick (deceased) who is trying to dunk all over Tom Cruise, who is appearing in a cult meeting for some reason

Most student sections scream and heckle you when you’re at the line trying to hit a free throw to win the game. These guys didn’t. These guys remained mostly silent for the entire game until a man in a cloak came out from behind a curtain and started yelling from a book about like “the new way to exist” and “the fires of the future” and “people’s progression. With 1:54 left on the clock and my team with the ball, he passed out Twinkies – which I later found out were poisoned when they offered me one after the game ended – and all of them wretched for like 2 minutes before falling silent. We won by 5 and I think they all ascended to a higher plane

4. The Hands Boys –


This is all they do all game. Just point. Point and remain completely silent. I’d take the poison Twinkie guys over these clowns.

3. These Clowns –


Ohhhh fuck no, we’re not playing in front of these clowns again. I take back what I said about the earlier clowns, or the point boys, we can’t play in front of these clowns next year. They threw pies and they threw batteries. Both hurt just as bad

2. John O’Hurley –


O’Hurley (left) played J. Peterman on Seinfeld, hosted Family Feud for a while, and also will never shut the fuck up about it when I’m trying to run the perfect inbound play

Hey, John? Shut the fuck up for a second, okay? We’re trying to play a game here and you’re obviously not wanted here. We knew you were on Seinfeld. Please stop telling us so.

1. Four bears –


This is my friend Rodrick (deceased) shortly before he dunked on the mother bear

Silent. Constantly Angry. Will maul me regardless of if I make the next free throw or not. These bears are the worst student section in college basketball. I never want to come back there. Maybe that makes them the best, too.

About Joe Bush

The guy behind and a lot of other things
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