Today I purchased a chicken wrap and a drink. Right before I was about to check out, a rack of potato chips caught my eye, goading me to step out of line and pick out a bag. Which ones do I go for?

1. Miss Vickie’s Salt & Vinegar

Very few things divide people the way that this bag of chips will. If you say “hey, do you like Salt and Vinegar chips?” to a group of people, there will be two answers – “Oh my god, I love them!” (or some variant) or “THOSE ARE THE WORST”. Very few opinions in the modern world are split so heavily. We’re taught in upper level high school classes about “shades of gray” in opinion, where every individual person has a different experience that creates the opinions, desires, and feelings that defines them. There’s no black and white. In this case, there is only black and white. You hate them or you love them. I love them.

2. Cheetos (Crunchy)

I used to be a puffs man. That was before I got stressed and ate an entire bag of puffed Cheetos in one day during December of 2014. I felt sick for the rest of the day and I’ll probably die at least 4 days before I would have otherwise thanks to those puffy Cheetos. The crunchy ones have taken over in my brain.

3. Nacho Cheese Doritos

I know I’m not really looking outside the box here. Doritos are good and there’s nothing much else to say or know. People talk about them all the time because I guess there’s nothing more important to talk about, but it doesn’t mean they’re somehow overrated or something, just that they’re good and everyone likes them.

4. Bugles

Just Bugles. I like the Nacho Cheese Bugles, but you can’t go wrong with Bugles. They’re inexpensive and tasty, and that’s really all you need. Inexpensive and tasty would be a good rap group name.

N/A. Chex Mix

They’re not chips.

Significantly Further Down the List than the Others: Baked Lays Chips

Some kid came up to me at a picnic once and asked if we had baked potato chips. He was like 12 probably. I answered, no we don’t, and his dad said “he’s trying to cut down on unhealthy chips”. That didn’t change the fact that we didn’t have any baked potato chips. “and, they taste better too” said the kid, which is a falsehood and clearly a case of someone trying to justify his own self-inflicted pain. In my experience, the best way to lose weight is to not eat potato chips at all and instead replace them with an apple or something, or even nothing, I’ve found that not adding anything extra to your entrée will still fill you. However, the answer is never “like potato chips but maybe there’s less salt or something idk, trust us they’re better for you we put them in an oven”. Baked potato chips are a dry, tasteless scam and they don’t even have the added factor of “will destroy you from inside” that the Olestra substituted chips did.

Unranked: Pringles

What are Pringles? They aren’t chips, I can tell you that. I haven’t had a Pringle since last summer. Somebody must be buying them because they’re at the grocery store and they wouldn’t stock something people didn’t buy. I just don’t understand why a company would put so many chips in a container smaller than the average hand, leading to an ever-approaching threshold of harder and harder to reach chips eventually bordering on impossible. And hell no I’m not pouring them out, you think I eat chips off a plate? You think I’m Marie Antoinette? Those chips can go sit in the trash where they belong.