Joe has woken up from a slumber induced after taking three melatonins in July of 2013. He still desires to give fantasy football advice.

It’s been a while but ever since I’ve awoken from the seemingly never-ending dream of me running through the dungeon boss fight in WarioWare for the Game Boy Advance. I’ve got fantasy football advice still running around my head ever since I took those sleeping pills after I got too jazzed up after my Investment Firm’s Harlem Shake video. Here’s who I’d pick for Week 1!

Quarterback – Robert Griffin III

My god we have a man who might change football as we know it in an organization that supports him and wants him to go out and play. It’s been two years, who knows how much they’ve improved over that NFC East championship in ’12. After surgery I can definitely say two things have happened –

1. Coach Shanahan has stuck to his guns and the read option has taken over professional football. I would’ve picked the kid from Seattle here but I assume Seattle’s just not a stable franchise anymore. You just can’t lose to Harbaugh and the Niners year in and year out and still compete.
2. All of those draft picks they traded to St. Louis to get RG3 have not made any sort of impact on D.C.’s success here. Also St. Louis probably got a lot better and will be there forever.

Subway just keeps picking winners

Running Back – Trent Richardson

I can assume the Browns have been better and have succeeded despite their lack of quarterback for the past two years due to the league’s nurturing nature towards an edgy guy who can break tackles and big runs but might not be the best for a few years. He kicked ass in 2012 with the Browns and he’ll be getting them to the playoffs this year.

Wide Receiver – Just Pick Another Running Back

Look, nobody passes anymore. All the best quarterbacks from yesteryear (Peyton, Tom Brady, Roethlisberger, Brees, Rivers, etc.) have grown old and infirm and won’t be winning you or themselves any championships or breaking records any time soon. It’s gonna be primarily screen passes and the read option, so maybe a Ronnie Brown or Danny Woodhead.

Tight End – The Guy who Jumps Down from the Ceiling and Confronts you

He’s been my enemy for the past two years. Two years running through this dungeon and Hearing Only “YOU MUST PAY ME” when he comes down from the ceiling, the brick walls lining my eyes and the ceiling, oh god the black and endless ceiling as if it’s there but it’s really not there, but at the same time it really is, and, and oh god, oh god, he’s back, “YOU MUST PAY” but What Can I Pay? I open my wallet and paperclips come out but he won’t take them. Only paperclips and all my old Middle School ID cards. I have no money on my account for the Bosco Sticks and small cartons of milk he peddles.

Real Workhorse.

Defense/Special Teams – The Browns

They’ve gotta be good by now, right?

Plus, our video turned out Great!