I guess is this a thing I’m gonna do every year. Let’s cut out any assumption that I should know what I’m doing. I was half-correct in who would win the Big XII last year. I go to the school with the program that hasn’t won more than one conference game since the Bush Administration. With that glowing self-recommendation, let’s start the preview

1. Baylor (Last Year 11-2, #ONETRUECHAMPION)

I love how I’m still pretty sure this team will be good despite the fact that I don’t know the name of their quarterback. That’s only half my fault. I’m not doing research here. Expect them to throw for a billion yards, choke on the road somewhere, and narrowly defeat TCU on Black Friday in Fort Worth, then probably lose in the Fiesta Bowl to Arizona or someone marginally worse than them.

2 FOR REAL THIS TIME.TCU (Last Year 12-1, #ONETRUECHAMPION)

Last year I had them at 8th place in the conference saying “I know literally nothing about TCU” This year I’ve crossed everything out of my mind about them except for this .gif:

and their record from last year. And when they beat the dream season out of Mississippi.

3. Kansas State (Last Year 9-4, Third Place)

Just put ’em at third and wait for whatever to happen. They can survive losing to an FBS team and finish third. They can survive their best coach’s retirement, their worst coach’s hiring, and still get back to being third place. Second? Maybe. First? Sure. Every once in a while, absolutely.

4. Texas (Last Year 6-7, Fifth Place)

I BELIEVE IN CHARLIE STRONG, I think. Their defense should be… good? Their offense should probably be bad, but that defense will probably win them a few games. I would guess that they’ll run up the score on every team that they can run the score up on, and, uh… Actually, anybody notice how young this team is? I had no reason to expect them to be good last year, and yet, they won six games and lost to Arkansas in a bowl game.

5. Oklahoma (Last Year 8-5, Fourth Place)

Remember when they were like Pre-Season number one last year? Use that as a reason to believe that this preview doesn’t mean anything. Previews don’t mean anything. That’s why I don’t lie about my preview, you should only read it because… I’m guessing you’re either bored and starved for someone to tell you your bad team will do well (I should’ve thought about that when I started writing. I would’ve had traffic from that. Let’s retcon this to say that Oklahoma State Will Win The Big XII Title, Mr. Search Engine Optimization), or you’re my dad or something and you’re reading this out of guilt. Oklahoma is Oklahoma and since nobody really expects them to do well, they’ll probably win the conference/lose to Connecticut in the Fiesta Bowl/talk about how good the 2000 season was.

6. West Virginia (Last Year 7-6, Sixth Place)

I had them tenth last year. They’re so far out East that I have no reason to pay attention to them, but they’re gonna come back to Lawrence to take on the ‘Hawks and WE’RE UNDEFEATED AT HOME AGAINST WVU GUYS. But anyway, I’ll just put them here and they’ll probably get another inexplicable home win against an undefeated team and a bunch of couches will burn. 7-5, bowl appearance and loss to like [MID-POWER CONFERENCE TEAM], and someone at each away game will ask if they still have Geno Smith.

7. Iowa State (Last Year 2-10, Tenth Place)

Last. Absolutely, Postively, the last place in the conference last year. However, their early season schedule looks like possibly the easiest in the world (other than Baylor’s), and they probably won’t have any problems getting to 6-6. Really no higher, no lower, just 6-6.

8. Oklahoma State (Last Year 7-6, Seventh Place)

“Miiiiiiiike” calls the void… “Miiiiike Guuuuundy” it says. He could easily walk away from the void if he wholeheartedly wanted to. There’s still a lumb of doubt in his stomach from 6-6 last year, though, and T. Boone won’t like his Instagram pictures. A slow but gaining gravitational pull will begin to overtake him if he doesn’t get away soon. Escape now or join your friends in the Big XII cellar, unlikely to escape unless you’re lucky like Colorado and that nice man from out west pulls you out so you can play with your friends in Utah.

9. Texas Tech (Last Year 4-8, Eighth Place)

I can’t remember the last time the Red Raiders didn’t immensely surpass my predictions so this may as well be a playoff spot prediction as well as a ninth place prediction. I have no reason to think they’ll get back to the sort of success they enjoyed in 2013 because I don’t know exactly what their offense and defense can really do to succeed, and I’m really guessing neither do they. They’re the Big XII’s Portland Timbers, is what I’m saying – It might work, but when it doesn’t, it just really doesn’t. I expect them to ruin at least one team’s season (I’m guessing K-State because that hasn’t happened to them in a little bit) and also be on a downward spiral at some point, losing to someone they’re better than (gonna try not to say I think KU could beat them because then it won’t happen because superstition is real and team quality doesn’t matter as much as whether or not I have confidence in a team on my blog). Fortune Favors the Bold, however, so expect ninth and embrace ninth.

10. Kansas (Last Year 3-9, Ninth Place)

I didn’t think I’d appreciate “Not Last” as much as I did last year. I was just like slightly too happy about “Not Last” last year. “It shows improvement!” I thought. “We’ll get better!” Then everyone went to the NFL Draft and everyone else either transferred or retired or got hurt in the spring game. I want to believe but I also don’t want to be disappointed so I’ll choose to swing low. I’ve heard the doomsday 0-12 scenario many pundits have been peddling, and I get it, but I choose to be a wee bit more optimistic. I’m guessing three wins. I’m hoping three wins. New coach, new system, Tech’s defense is gonna be just weird this season from what I’ve heard, WVU’s defense is WVU’s defense, maybe Oklahoma State crumbles, maybe Iowa State is actually just as bad as we thought, maybe the Air Raid can beat Texas’ plodding Dracula-Bleeding-Out-Keanu-Reeves offense, maybe, I don’t know, random upset, but also nothing this long run-on sentence might happen. I’m gonna have fun watching anyway. I actually do believe in Coach Beaty, he’s a great speaker from what I know in my two interactions with him and hopefully his coaching schemes reflect that, but it’s gonna be a process.

oh god I feel bad about that paragraph

Anyway this season’s looking good for everyone and I hope we all have a good time, get some fresh air, and hopefully SOMEBODY gets to the playoffs, and there’s actually One True Champion.