Well, we made it to almost the end of the year. There’s like nine days left but I feel confident in the fact that I have not and will not do any of these things.
10. Larceny at Mike Tyson’s house
I did not break into Mike Tyson’s house and steal his prized block of Ginsu knives. He’s a very wealthy man and he demands only the best knives so if you’re gonna break into a famed boxer’s house you gotta go with Iron Mike. Him or Riddick Bowe, at least. I didn’t do that, though, definitely not.
9. Larceny at NBA Head Coach Mike D’Antoni’s house
An offensive genius and another knife man. Big block of beautiful knives in that sweet, sweet D’Antoni kitchen. I did not pick the lock to his back door while the Knicks or whoever he’s coaching right now were away at the Orlando Magic and hop into that pretty little kitchen to take those shiny blades for myself.
8. The Syrup Caper
There’s a hell of a lot of syrup out there for anybody who’s interested in a hell of a lot of syrup. It’s really very possible for anyone, skilled or unskilled, to steal all of the syrup contained at their local Wal-Mart by only bribing half of the working staff at 2 AM and tricking the others. 48 gallons of Log Cabin would theoretically fit very easily into the trunk of your friend’s 1998 Volkswagen Jetta if someone were to do this.
7. Planting an Unnecessarily Large Wooden Pole in the Ground in the Middle of a Road in Iowa City, Iowa
Don’t ask where I would have theoretically found such a big pole. It wasn’t the forest and I didn’t murder an old man to get it. The big pole planted in the Middle of a Road in Iowa City, Iowa in June of 2015 was by someone who likely had a good plan but wasn’t me.
6. Illegal T-Shirt Sales at the World Series
I’m not saying someone was selling blue T-Shirts that read “ROAYLS DO IT IN THE DARK” at Kauffman Stadium before Game 2 of the MLB World Series between the Kansas City Royals and New York/New Jersey Metrostars, but if you see ’em in the wild you can guess who was doin’ it. It wasn’t me.
5. Larceny at Former Presidential Hopeful Herman Cain’s House
Former Pizza executives know their shit when it comes to knives. Herman’s no different. He’s got several different knife blocks located prominently in that big beautiful kitchen of his. I was never forced to break a window or chisel a hinge off of a door in his basement to get into his house – That is, if I was there in the first place, which I was never there at all. Look inside and you will find the Pokémon.
4. Forcing the Sale of the St. Louis Rams to the Manager of a CVS Pharmacy and Drug Store in Fargo, North Dakota
I did not enter the NFL office crying and screaming for six hours to do so. I did not bribe the security at the front office and wage a full crying-based war of attrition on Roger Goodell in order to do so. I don’t know what Clyde would do with the Rams if he were to have ended up owning them, but I know he has no plans to get them to Fargo, he told me “there’s no way that I let a damn team into this place and take my damn pharmaceutical and general convenience money.
3. Discovering Whether or Not there is a Hell
The Incantation could not be found in a book labeled “BÖØK ŌF LĮĘŠ” at the back of the Barnes and Noble in Decatur, Georgia. I did not repeat the incantation to a man wearing only a pair of Wal-Mart plastic bags on his feet in lieu of shoes behind said Wal-Mart and a portal most certainly did not open a portal to hell. There is not a hell and I most certainly have not been there. But I will say, appreciate any ice water you can get. You will want it some day.
2. Larceny at Joel McHale’s House
Jeff Winger, you son of a bitch! I did not steal your knife block from the window behind the sink in your delightfully clean kitchen in Seattle, Washington on the night of November 9th, 2015. I did not only have to open a window and stick a hand in to steal those sweet, clean, sharp little knives from your kitchen, Joel.
1. Breaking a Priceless Vase at the Louvre
I’ve never been to France so we can cross this off the list right now. I definitely wasn’t involved in a bet with several drunken Frenchman who wanted me to “Shoot Hoops like Kobe Bryant” with a Twix PB Bar into an ancient Greek vase. It did not fall on the floor and I did not collect the pieces of it in my back pocket and sprint out of the Louvre yelling mean things about Napoleon in a drunken stupor.