SCENE: Championship Game, Some Sort of Youth Basketball League of Some Kind

COACH along with CHILD WITH DOG approaches Scorer’s Table

COACH: I got a new team registration here

REFEREE: You expect us to let this team into our tournament?

OPPOSING COACHES approach the table

OPPOSING COACH 1 (the accountant from your office who got sent to jail for unknown reasons but everybody had a guess as to why and all of the guesses were totally plausible): You can’t let that dog in here!

OPPOSING COACH 2 (the ex cop who probably embezzled a ton of money and goes between blaring either Godsmack or Whitesnake out of his SUV): This is a joke! Dog can’t play basketball

COACH (to REF): I’ll handle this. You can look through that entire rule book and we’re clean, we’re not doing anything wrong.

COACH: You can check, there’s nothin’ in the rule book that says a team of five boys can’t bring in outside help from hired goons to hold the opposing coach hostage while two of the five boys hang by their feet from ropes from the ceiling throwing hammers at the other team’s players and when they miss I hand the hammers back to them but when they hit the other team’s players we let them lay there and don’t get them the medical attention they probably require while the tallest of the other three closes his eyes and throws punches while sprinting full speed around the court, meanwhile the other two have buckets full of grease and paint the court with grease so it’s all slick meanwhile I’m standing under the basket fucking the shit out of this dog to distract them from playing the game to an optimal level, thus either scarring them physically or mentally or at least making the floor really slick.

REF looks at Rule Book for 3 Seconds

REF: He’s right! Nothin’ in the rule book that says a team of five boys can’t bring in outside help from hired goons to hold the opposing coach hostage while two of the five boys hang by their feet from ropes from the ceiling throwing hammers at the other team’s players and when they miss the coach hand the hammers back to them but when they hit the other team’s players the team lets them lay there and doesn’t get them the medical attention they probably require while the tallest of the other three closes his eyes and throws punches while sprinting full speed around the court, meanwhile the other two have buckets full of grease and paint the court with grease so it’s all slick meanwhile coach is standing under the basket fucking the shit out of this dog to distract the other team from playing the game to an optimal level, thus either scarring them physically or mentally or at least making the floor really slick. That specific sentence is not in the rule book! You’re clean!

OPPOSING COACH 1 (the jail one, Becky from HR thought it was probably soliciting prostitutes during that Minneapolis business trip and I’m inclined to believe her): Are you kidding me? Are you telling me that there isn’t a rule in the rule book that says while two of the five boys hang by their feet from ropes from the ceiling throwing hammers at the other team’s players and when they miss coach hands the hammers back to them but when they hit the other team’s players they let them lay there and don’t get them the medical attention they probably require while the tallest of the other three closes his eyes and throws punches while sprinting full speed around the court, meanwhile the other two have buckets full of grease and paint the court with grease so it’s all slick meanwhile coach is standing under the basket fucking the shit out of this dog to distract them from playing the game to an optimal level, thus either scarring them physically or mentally or at least making the floor really slick?

OPPOSING COACH 2: This is a Joke! Dog Can’t Play Basketball!