Okay, so you know how everything is bad and there’s no sign of anything getting better? It’s time to exploit that. It is time to turn a profit on the state of the world generally, and I have a plan that I will use to better myself and only myself.
Let’s move back a bit
We’re all familiar with this shithead, right? I don’t have to explain the existence of The Burger Clown to anyone, right? It’s Ronald. We know Ronald. We don’t love him. We keep that fucker at arm’s length, but we know him. I can go to a McDonald’s right now and see his statue seated upon a bench, smiling at me, knowing he’ll get my dollar no matter the circumstance because I walked in here in the first place and he had me right there.
But hold up a second. A lot of shit goes against the existence of Ronald McDonald right now. If I was the clowned vessel of physical embodiment of some fucking burger chain right now, I’d be quaking in my boots every second I’m alive because I Know I’m Next. Let me explain:
Ronald McDonald is an intersection of two aspects of modern culture that are staring down a slip into the irrelevant and disdained. He’s a clown, and he represents McDonald’s.
You remember all that scary clown shit in 2016? It’s a bad time to be a clown. If you’re a legitimate, non-scary clown working in 2017, I don’t envy you. It’s gotta be tough to find even one kid who’s legitimately excited to see a clown. The movie about the book about the scary clown came out this year. If you own stock in the fun-loving happy clown industry right now, I’d sell now, there’s no getting back up from it anymore.
Modern consumers see clowns in perhaps three forms:
- Lookin’ scary as hell behind the Seven-Eleven
- Ironically sad like Canio in Pagliacci or Krusty the Klown in The Simpsons
- Ronald McDonald
McDonald’s has a lot riding on this clown. Without Ronald, who do they have? Mayor McCheese? Birdie? Larry Bird and Michael Jordan? Certainly not Mac Tonight. But the deluge of negative clown-imagery in the modern conscience is going to one day overpower McDonalds and Ronald himself.
Add this to the negative press that McDonalds already receives just by existence, and we’ve got a bad situation. We have a restaurant swamped with bad press represented by a mascot surrounded by bad press. At some point in the future, that dam’s going to break, and McDonalds is going to have to drop Ronald.
Anyway, this finally leads into my plan. McDonalds is going to make a big deal about dropping Ronald and there’s gonna be a whole bunch of Buzzfeed articles about it and whatever, and I just want to make a claim to this joke before anyone else does:
“Well, if McDonalds needs a new clown, they should check down at Congress first!”
There we go. That’s the joke, that’s what I’m going to start my new life with, this joke, regarding McDonalds and the American government. It makes sense because it gently ribs McDonalds, the public institution we all know and love, and it gently ribs the United States Congress, the public institution hellbent on murdering us all in poverty for monetary and political gain. It hits between the two sweetest spots that it possibly could, and it’s going to make me millions, so nobody gets to call dibs on it.
December is Postcember. I don’t know what that means yet, but I didn’t barely post in November and I feel the need to make up for it in December. Thanks.