Folks, I’ve blown up on TikTok, and you are societally required to kiss the ring. I’m an influencer now.

Over the past week, I’ve inexplicably gained 150,000 plays on the popular micro-video sharing app TikTok.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – Didn’t that app get banned in India? Isn’t that that the app where like Chinese high school kids lip sync to songs? Do you think your ancestors who fought for the union in the Civil War would be ashamed of you for this?

And to answer those questions – Yes, yes, and absolutely yes. But I believe that we’re in a post-shame society, and India has recently unbanned it. Plus it’s called “Douyin” in China. Anyway, I’m huge on that app now. 150k people have watched my three most successful videos, which are as follows:

THE TROTSKY (3.1k Views, 15 Hearts)

In this video I mix a cocktail of Orange Fanta and Vodka on ice in a wine glass. I used the hashtag “#Mixology” in the video, which I think drew in viewers, which is funny because that implies there’s a legitimate mixology community on TikTok. Anyway, look for this recipe in my upcoming book “The Joe Bush Dot Net Guide to Mixology”

THE CUM AND COKE SKETCH (48.8k Views, 4208 Hearts)

This one-minute, poorly paced sketch, wherein I have to lay out three times the circumstances of the bar (people at this bar order by writing down their order on a card and handing it to the bartender), was my first real taste of TikTok fame. The denizens of TIkTok engaged in a fierce discussion of which famous person I resemble in the many comments:

I get it all the time that I look like one of the kids from Stranger Things. Like, in public. People say “You resemble a fourteen-year-old boy, Joe” and I’m supposed to take it as a benign thing or a compliment. I don’t know how other people who look like child actors take it. I saw a dude who looked like Danny Tambirelli on the train the other day and I didn’t say anything to him because I knew what that pain felt like.

I will accept resembling Steve the hot boyfriend or Peter Dinklage, the accomplished actor. I think the Jordan Peterson comment is more reflective of the way I speak in the video, which I think actually reflects worse on Peterson given my horrible, stunted acting.

BALCONY DOG (100.4K Views, 1652 Hearts)

This is my neighbor’s dog!!! He’s very sweet and hangs out on their balcony sometimes, and when he hears me walk by he’ll stand up and look at me. I like to wave to him! He’s a friend. People on the app also like him.

Anyway, that’s fame, baby. The kids love the hell outta me. And you know what that means? That’s right. The time has come to cash in. Every man has his price, and mine is well-established as “very low”. I’m not even gonna make these ad agencies make deals with me or anything. I’ve got select stock images already made.

Here’s me for Spindrift, the seltzer which is also a juice:

Here’s me for Red Hot buffalo sauce:

And here’s me for Craig brand portable CD Players:

Here, I even pre-airbrushed the second one! You can practically plop this one down in on a branded Instagram and I’ll be eating shrimp cocktail on my first-class flight to Fyre Festival 2 in no time!

I know the forehead looks a little unnatural but you gotta do a lot to fix this mess

So I’m for sale, baby! The site is for sale! Everything’s for sale! I’ll wear your shirt! I’ll change my middle name! I’ll tattoo my ass for a lower price than basically any other blogger and with a lower prestige product than nearly anyone else and that’s a fact! I’m the motherfucking web king and I’m blowing up this year!

Please follow me on tiktok. If you are an employer or any normal person who would be weirded out by the fact that I’m on tiktok then please ignore this post. Other, obsolete social media sites like Twitter and Facebook are also where I hang out. Also I can be given money at Ko-Fi.