DISPATCH: I am Trapped in one of the Tesla Tunnels and I cannot get out

I knew what the sign said before I got down here. Authorized vehicles only, trespassers and violators will be prosecuted, Hyperloop not yet available to the public, yadda, yadda, yadda. But here I am, Elon. Here I am.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

I’m a mile and a half into a Hyperloop tunnel underneath Los Angeles in my Special Pikachu Edition 1999 Volkswagen New Beetle.

The hyperloop is specially designed to work with Tesla cars, which seems like a bad thing for the majority of people who do not own Tesla cars. As one of those people without a Tesla, (as previously stated, I drive a Special Pikachu Edition 1999 Volkswagen New Beetle), the Hyperloop tunnel might seem like a difficult thing to traverse. Preemptive nightmares have cropped up from potential hyperloopers who fear the possibility that they may get their Toyota Tundra or Buick Le Sabre stuck in between the tiny little walls of the Musk Cave. Luckily, I’m here to assuage those fears! I’m here to tell you firsthand that, provided your car is smaller by width and height than the typical 1999 Volkswagen New Beetle, you’ll be safe and sound when it comes time to illegally traverse the Musk Cave.

However, if you drive a Special Pikachu Edition 1999 Volkswagen New Beetle, be wary – Pikachu’s cute little ears and tail do unfortunately break the safe height barrier. Since the ears and tail were actually a part of the original frame’s mold, they couldn’t safely break off once they made contact with the ceiling and walls of the Musk Cave, and they’ve dug deeply into that silky soft Boring Company concrete. Unfortunately, after about a half mile, the friction of the Pikachu ears and tail with the Musk Tunnel’s tender insides was too much for my little German engine to take. On top of this was the fact that I have not rotated, changed, or refilled my tires since I purchased the car in 2000 because of my religious beliefs. Ergo, my car has come to a complete stop about a half-mile into Mister Musk’s Wild Ride and I can move no further.

pikachu car

Make no mistake, the car will melt to a puddle before those ears and tail do

In front of me is darkness. Behind me is more darkness. My headlights illuminate only a void, a small sliver of gray ground before it gives way to an uncaring darkness. My taillights were both smashed by a Vancouver Canucks fan after they blew a 3-0 lead to the Boston Bruins in the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals so there’s nothing to see back there. Surrounding my car is silence. Inside my car was at one point the very scratchy sound of a worn out cassette of The Goo Goo Dolls’ 1998 album “Dizzy Up the Girl” (featuring their big hits “Slide” and “Black Balloon”), until I finally got frustrated with it and unwrapped one of my five brand new backup tapes of the Goo Goo Dolls’ 1998 album “Dizzy Up the Girl” (featuring their earth-shattering classic “Iris”). I then promptly threw the old tape out my window, which hit the wall only seven inches away from my head and bounced back into my lap.

As of now, I do not see a feasible way for me or my car to get out of ol Musky’s Car Cave. It’s wedged in there pretty tightly. As of right now, I also don’t think that anyone knows I’m really down here. As I passed the guard tower, Elon himself seemed to be right in the middle of firing the person who was supposed to be keeping watch. I’m only a novice lipreader but he seemed to be saying “I don’t fucking care if your religion says you can’t eat pork, Epic Bacon Thursday is a team event, and if you can’t be a team player, you’re fired, mate.”

But alas, here I am. I’m here in the middle of the Musk Hole and I cannot physically escape. My doors will not open, and I couldn’t get through my trunk even if I wanted to because the Euphonium case I keep back there blocks the little opening anyway.

From behind me, I can feel light. I can see it. A pale yellow. It started small, but it’s rapidly growing larger, illuminating the nothingness I see from my rearview mirror. It’s coming. They either know I’m here or they don’t. They either see the ear and tail marks in the ceiling or they don’t. They either slow down for me or they ram into the back of me at like 120 miles per hour. But they are coming.

I lean my seat back. I close my eyes. I crank the volume up and sing along. –

“I’d give up forever to touch you,

‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow,

You’re the closest to heaven, that I’ll ever be

And I don’t wanna go home right now…”


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About Joe Bush

The guy behind JoeBush.net and a lot of other things
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