On a late summer night in St. Paul, America… and indeed Mexico as well, were reacquainted with what we might call…

What might we call it? Major League Soccer’s obelisk? Its tower of babel? Its guidestone?

Officially it’s The Apparatus.

The Apparatus.

Presented by AT&T phone services and Old Spice deodorant and aftershaves…

The Apparatus

We Love The Apparatus

We Praise The Apparatus

We Love and Praise The Apparatus

MLS Best XI Defender Walker Zimmerman (right) observes The Apparatus

I know it looks like soccer skee-ball – But legend has it that those who speak those words in its presence are vaporized or killed or miss a bunch of shots in the ensuing rounds like what happened to Emanuel Reynoso. The very well made introductory video with the CGI Foosball guys calls it The Apparatus, Sebi Salazar continues to call it The Apparatus and that is its name. The Apparatus.

Carles Gil quivers at the foot of The Apparatus

We first became acquainted with The Apparatus in Los Angeles last year —

Where it made mincemeat of many but was ultimately tamed by Lucas Zelarayan. This year’s apparatus appears mostly unchanged save for the placement of some numbers, likely kept in a secure location, intelligence suggests Don Garber’s backyard, for the year spent betwixt All-Star Skills Challenges. However it was accompanied by a powerful ally – replaced were the keepers stationed behind The Apparatus, their places taken by The Old Spice Ball Cannon

The Old Spice Ball Cannon Shells The Innocents

Dear God… The combo may be too powerful. The Apparatus and The Old Spice Ball Cannon have the potential, if left unregulated, to absolutely destroy the fabric of soccer in the United States and Canada. And Mexico. And once you get Concacaf out of the way, what’s stopping you from taking over the rest of the world? Surely a war will begin… What kind of war?

Perhaps a Goalie War:

Only time will tell. Until then, we praise and love The Apparatus.