This year, my birthday fell, once again, on April 26th. I remain amazed at how consistently it does this. There are a smattering of dates on the calendar that I treat as sort of yearly life checkpoints, days upon which I feel my feet on the ground, examine the scene around me, and decide where to go from there. Of course there’s New Year’s Day on January 1st, Memorial Day in late May, this site’s anniversary on October 7th, the MLS All-Star Game in early August, et cetera. My birthday is a diagnostic day, upon which I look at myself between two points. I just lived a full year with one number attached to it (28 in this case) and I will live another full year with a slightly different one (29 in this case).

This is typically a private event of intensive soul-searching, but I feel that you, the stakeholders of JoeBush.net, my humble readers, deserve to see it in process today. What follows is a report of the Eccentricities, Bits, and Other Errata which I will either continue, cease, or start anew as I take on this age of 29.

 Culinary Nomenclature:

I will CONTINUE referring to McDonald’s as “MaDonna’s”

I will CONTINUE referring to Taco Bell as “Tacos Bell”

I will ADAPT the Tacos Bell naming convention to other restaurants, including: Tacos John’s, Pizzas Hut, Smoothies King, et cetera

I will BEGIN referring to Wendy’s as “The Wendy”

I will CEASE referring to Dillon’s while making a ‘j’ sound in the middle of the name akin to how the Buenos Aires dialect pronounces words with double-Ls

I will CEASE referring to Chili’s as “Chelís,” as if it was named after former Chivas USA manager Chelís.

I will BEGIN referring to Popeye’s as “Puppy’s”

I will CONTINUE referring to Subway as “The Subway’s”

I will CEASE referring to Jimmy John’s as “James Jonathan and Associates'”

I will BEGIN referring to Sonic as “Sonic the Restaurant,” akin to Sonic the Hedgehog

I will CONTINUE spelling “Doordash” as “Dordache,” akin to the Jordache clothing line

Sports Nomenclature et al:

I will CONTINUE referring to Kirk Cousins as “Kork Kissins”

I will BEGIN pronouncing MLS as “Omelas,” akin to the Ursula K. LeGuin short story “The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas”

I will CEASE pronouncing NWSL as “Na-wussle”

I will BEGIN pronouncing NWSL as “Nozzle”

I will BEGIN referring to Gotham FC as “Goat Ham FC”

I will CEASE the use of the names “Los Angeles Cargers,” “Cleveland Brans,” “Washington Mandos,” and “Dallas BowCoys”

I will BEGIN the use of the names “Miami Doffins,” “Dallas Cabbies,” “Houston Tekkens,” and “Detroit Lyons” in a French accent

I will CONTINUE entertaining myself while driving in my car by doing the voice of a young British boy who keeps asking his father if he can “Hit the Griddy like Justin Jefferson”

I will CEASE to use the name Scunthorpe United as my default funny catch-all English soccer team name

I will REPLACE the position that Scunthorpe United once filled with Dorking Wanderers FC

Entertainment et al:

I will CONTINUE asking why they keep showing Travis Kelce’s pretty blonde sister in the luxury boxes during Chiefs games

I will CEASE insinuating that I want to watch Saturday Night Live but can never remember what day of the week and time of the day that it’s on

I will BEGIN referring to Pearl Jam as “Eddie and The Pearl Jams”

I will BEGIN referring to Jimmy Fallon as “Jimmy Fellon”

I will BEGIN referring to Jay Leno as “Jail Leno”

I will RESTART the commenting of “Pep Boys” on every post on the Pep Boys Instagram page

Community Efforts and Other Things

I will BEGIN research and development on another way to pronounce Ousdahl Street

I will START pronouncing Kasold Street like “Kay-Sold”

I will START referring to George Williams Way as “Georgie’s Place”

I will START referring to any type of baby animal as “x Puppy” rather than whatever it is. I.e. “Cow Puppy” instead of “Calf.” “Duck Puppy” instead of “Duckling.” You get my idea.

Thank you for reading this status report. I look forward to our continued quest for enlightenment on this site in the following months. I also promise to post here more.