ku.edu

Little of this is real

SETTING: University of Kansas, 1965

PERSONS: BROTHERS FRASER, CLINT, 38 AND WALTER, 35; CONSTRUCTION JEFF, 31 ; STONE SETTING MAN

CLINTWORTH FRASER: Bro, we got all this money for this building and we’re almost done.

WALTERMAN FRASER: ‘Chea bro, it’s almost all the way complete. Even the whole “built on slanted Earth” thing is all accounted for, people on this side of the building are just gonna jump like six or seven feet to get in. It’ll all be good!

–BROTHERS FRASER HIGH-FIVE-

-ENTER CONSTRUCTION JEFF–

CONSTRUCTION JEFF: Well, we’re all finished here. The entire construction team is finished and the whole building is done. Nothing is left to be finished or done. Are you ready to open this hall?

BROTHERS FRASER, IN UNISON: HELL YEAH!

–BROTHERS FRASER HIGH-FIVE AGAIN-

–CONSTRUCTION JEFF LOOKS TO HIS RIGHT, THEN IS STARTLED-

CONSTRUCTION JEFF: You recognize that you have a door stationed six feet off the ground?

C. FRASER: It’s no big deal man, just gotta have that vertical! Not my problem if you have no hops.

CONSTRUCTION JEFF: No matter what you believe about the vertical leap, a certain six-foot fall out of a door will stain the name of our construction company for years. I insist that we do something about it.

–BROTHERS FRASER LOOK AT EACH OTHER-

C. FRASER: You thinkin what I’m thinkin bro?

W. FRASER: SKAAAAAAAAATE RAAAAAAAAAAMP!

–BROTHERS FRASER HIGH-FIVE ONCE MORE-

BROTHERS FRASER, IN UNISON: HELL YEAH!

CONSTRUCTION JEFF: That’s highly unsafe and skateboarding of any sort is not allowed upon this campus, judging by the sign over here.

W. FRASER: Well that’s some bull shit. *Emphasis is placed upon the word “bull”*

–WALTERMAN POUTS-

CONSTRUCTION JEFF: Stairs may be better suited to our needs. Actually, let me take that back. Stairs are literally the only option here.

W. FRASER: Fine. See what I care. But they’re not gonna be good.

C. FRASER: Yeah! We’re gonna make them out of whatever material gets very slick when wet. That way, when it rains, people fall on their stupid asses! Not like us, we’re not stupid and we don’t fall.

–STONE SETTING MAN walks by, slips on spilled Bud Light, falls-

BROTHERS FRASER, IN UNISON: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BRO

–BROTHERS FRASER HIGH FIVE-

–CLINTWORTH PULLS OUT AN ANTIQUATED NOKIA CELL PHONE AND DIALS-

C. FRASER: Operator! Operator! I need a place that sells rocks! And fast! I have money!

–CELL PHONE OPERATOR CONNECTS HIM TO “BERNIE’S ROCK HELL”-

C. FRASER: HEY WHAT’S YOUR SLICKEST ROCK? GET ME A STAIRS-WORTH OF THAT! I WILL PAY IN CHECK!

CONSTRUCTION JEFF: That barely helps your case at all, but I have documented the fact that the stair material was of your choice and not my recommendation so I believe I will be legally covered. I’m going home to my sick wife.

-ALL LEAVE THE SCENE-

-THREE WEEKS LATER, THE SLICKEST STAIRS IN THE WORLD ARE INSTALLED-

-DAYS AFTER THAT, CLINTWORTH’S CHECK BOUNCES-

-TWO WEEKS AFTER THAT, CLINTWORTH FRASER IS FOUND GUILTY OF FRAUD AND PLACED IN JAIL FOR SEVEN YEARS-

-49 YEARS AFTER THAT, I ATTEMPT TO WALK DOWN THE STEPS OF FRASER HALL AND NEARLY FALL ON MY ASS ON BOTH THE WALK UP AND DOWN-