What’s up, my fellow Jayhawks??? We soar above the plains of Kansas and prey upon the weak below us, be them Wildcats, Tigers, or some third thing! As we say in our Alma Mater – Hail to Old KU! This university has been around since the 19th century, so we’ve got a lot to cheer about. For those of you new to KU, let this be your guide to the Jayhawk spirit and tradition!

The Chant:

Everyone knows the chant. You guys know it, right? It’s the chant! Everyone knows it. Everyone says it. I totally know it. I could say it for you right now, since I totally know it, but I don’t feel like it at the moment, so I’m not. I definitely know it and know how it goes, though.

Waving the Wheat:

We wave the wheat when our Jayhawks succeed! Touchdowns in football, wins in Basketball, any time an opponent fouls out, car accidents, successful shopliftings, aces in Volleyball, sacrifices, basically any time a Jayhawk succeeds, we’ll be right there, waving that wheat!

Witch Night:

Who can forget their first witch night? Witch night, which occurs every new moon, is named for our love of and fascination with witches and all witch-descended/magically blooded students on campus. For incoming students, it might seem a little strange, but just know that you’ve gotta wait a little bit for the upperclassmen to get their sacrifices in and their drinks first, then it’ll be your turn. Be patient. You’ll get and give yours depending on your situation, and you’ll feel its powers soon afterwards. We are all one. We are all witches and the mingling of the witch blood makes us that. A Jayhawk and A Witch Are One.

The Roller Marathon:

April 7th. Each year. Every student is given their mandatory pair of roller blades. The starting line? Central Lawrence CVS Parking Lot. The Finish Line? North Lawrence CVS Parking lot. First one there gets their tuition for free. Last one there gets it doubled. Everyone must participate. I don’t make the rules. I just put them in this dumbass clickbait thing you’ve already stopped reading. I got the click, though, and that’s what counts for my ego.

Throwing the ‘posts in Potter Lake:

After a big Football victory, you can guarantee that we tear down the goalposts of our humble stadium and carry them down to our legendary Potter lake, named after Kansas football legend Harry Potter, and give them a nice swim!

We do this to feed the monster who sits at the bottom of the lake. People make fun of us for doing it so often, but please understand: it’s a necessity for your health and ours. If we don’t feed the monster, the state of the entire world is in jeopardy.

We don’t know the monster’s name because speaking it might create another and we just can’t risk it. This practice inspired the last verse in our famous tertiary fight song, “Fight On You Kansas Hawks!”: “Please, god, go Jayhawks, give us a win so we can give it another post. Please. Please. Please Please Please. Don’t Look in it’s eyes! Don’t look in it’s eyes! Run!”

The 3:32 PM each day playing of Hall and Oates’s “Method of Modern Love” over the emergency broadcast system:

Originally this was meant as a test for the system. Really I think we just like the song at this point.

An event like no other.

Late Night at The Phog:

Check out the legendary Kansas Jayhawks before each season! Don’t miss this opportunity! Skits, basketball, and tradition. To describe with an adjective: Thrilling. To describe with a noun: Tradition.

Later Night at The Phog:

Now, we get saucy. Stay in your seats for thirty minutes after Late Night, and you’ll really open up to the world that KU offers. I won 37 dollars off of a man who bet me I couldn’t knock him off of his giant stilts while he was still on them. I did it and I got the money. I’m not proud of it but I fucking did it. You ever see a man die and come back to life within a ten minute span? I have. Later Night at the Phog. To describe it with an adjective: Sweaty, and with a noun: Carnival.

Daybreak at the Phog:

You should really leave before Daybreak at the Phog. I’ve only been to one, and I don’t need to go again. Everything you believe, everything you think is scientifically correct, or socially correct, or anything you think at all, will be challenged and almost always defeated. If you take anything from this, please, never stay until Daybreak at the Phog. Not unless you want to get chased by Bronco Tony, an eight foot tall man wielding only a tennis racket. I’m just now used to the limp I developed. To describe with an adjective: Murderous. With a noun? Orgy.

The Court Storming:

After every basketball victory, the KU faithful pour out onto James Naismith Court and celebrate the team’s big success. It’s something we definitely do, and we’re proud of it and we’re all glad that we do it. It’s the lyrics to our secondary fight song, Runnin’ Hawk: “We all run right down on the court, we support the Jayhawks, the Jayhawks of sport. With blood of witch and bones of god, we sprint away from the past. We sprint away from the past!”

For those currently attending, I hope you know a little more about our famous history! For our alumni, I hope you pass these traditions down to your kids. For incoming students, I hope you know a little more about the next four years of your life! For the Witch Goddess: Thank You. Thank You So Much. I praise you every day.