Charmin and the bears are back, and they’re still gettin’ down and dirty with the toilet paper business. In their defense, there’s really not a way to sell toilet paper that doesn’t involve getting way too detailed, but in our defense, it’s funny, so, whatever. Anyway, while scavenging through the dumpster district of Hollywood last week, I found a copy of this script for the next Charmin ad. It follows the same continuity and is based in the same cinematic universe of the commercial I have linked above.

The commercial opens on a charming little living room in what we assume is the talking bear world equivalent of middle america. Four bears, each different levels of portliness, who will as a group be referred to as “The Talking TP Bear Boyz” but not “unportly” in any way (portly bears sell slightly better, also more believeable that they discuss their wiping habits with each other).

One bear, who doesn’t have to be named because he won’t be ever referred to by name – but we’ll call him “Craigus” – will start.

CRAIGUS: I tried the new Charmin Ultra Strong, and let me tell you guys, I’ve never been so comfortable with my rectum

Bear number 2, we’ll call him “Lambert” responds.

LAMBERT: That’s unfortunate, I’ve been using Quilted Northern, and I’ve been bleeding out my ass for weeks!

CRAIGUS: Well my rectum has never been healthier! I don’t even have to wear underwear anymore! I’m a bear and I don’t even have to wear pants!

Mom Bear – who is portlier and wears one of those little hello kitty bows on her head – leans in from upstairs

MOM BEAR: Oh, tell me you haven’t gone pantless! Please, dear god, tell me my boy isn’t pantless!

CRAIGUS: Mom, I said I didn’t “Have to”! Not that I “don’t” or that I’ve “Joined the Talking Bear World anarcho-primitivist movement where we don’t wear pants and we don’t speak english and we repress the ideas of the human influence on our bear society before we took them over, we go back to the ancient bear language and hitting fish out of rivers to eat, based on the teachings of our charismatic leader, David Bearesh.” nothing like that, at all.

Mom Bear gives a disapproving glance at the Talkin’ TP Bear Boyz and they all laugh. Lambert puts down his XBOX controller and laughs along, bleeding anus and everything.

—

We cut to a voiceover where we say all the usual stuff and that it’s absorbent and stuff and we put like some blue water on a sheet of the paper and drag it across a table or something.

—

CRAIGUS: You could use some of that advice, T.J. Poop Pants.

T.J. Poop Pants rolls his eyes as the rest of the Talkin’ TP Bear Boys laugh at his shame and the name he has so publicly earned.

He earned the name due to the fact that he routinely shits his pants, we assume.