I’ll be out of the country next month. I don’t know how many people actually know that, but you know now. I generally don’t like telling people things like this, it feels like bragging. I’m doing it now, though.
Anyway, I’m gonna be out of the country, in a country where they speak French, so I won’t be up to date on what’s going on here in the United States, or Kansas, or Lawrence, or my apartment, so I’m just going to predict what happens and make commentary off of that.
Another Zoo Animal Crisis
Guessing two bears get upset at some precarious celebrity who’s always in the news doing crazy stuff, let’s say former athlete Johnny Manziel, but it can be anyone, and they attack him. It’s a media circus for the next few days, and we won’t learn anything even though a number of outlets will try to teach us from the moment.
Some Food from 20 Years Ago Comes Back for a Limited Run
I’m guessing Dorito’s 3D, probably. Or Cheetos Twists. Or Coca-Cola Blak. Or those Lunchables Smore’s with the marshmallow spread that was probably terrible for you. I don’t know if it’ll bring back my childhood or not when I was really happy for the last time but I will try all of these at least once.
The New York Man and The Blonde Woman still argue for something but they don’t tell us what
In a shocking twist, they will both say things and some of your friends will agree and some of your friends won’t. But you’ll hear about them. I’m still not totally sure why exactly they’re doing but it’ll be a big deal probably. Some kind of prize. I like the Suit Lady because of NBA Jam: Tournament Edition and Queens Accent Guy with the Hair because of Home Alone 2
Famous Celebrity Misspeaks at an Awards Show
It really doesn’t matter who or where
Cruise Ship Mishap
Remember that Cruise Ship thing from several years ago? It’s happening again. It’s like, off the coast of New England and they run out of food and are forced to subsist on like Diet Coke and saltines. We laugh but only one of us has the money to pay thousands of dollars to sit on a boat and eat saltines.
One Major League Baseball Team ceases to exist for the entire month and it takes everyone a long time to notice
July eighteenth someone’s going to be scrolling through the ESPN score sheet and see one blank in the middle of the standings where the Tampa Bay Rays once stood. They go on Wikipedia, and see that the page now reads “29 Professional Clubs” where it once read 30. They frantically search the MLB website – no sign of the Rays. Tampa’s website is now blank in the sports category. They go on Twitter and ask. Nobody notices that tweet for a few days. Then, someone picks up on it, it runs front page on Deadspin and SB Nation and ESPN, with a headline like “EVERYONE on Twitter Agrees There Was once a Baseball Team in Tampa!” and someone else photoshops that crying NBA guy whose name is…
It’s the basketball guy. You know him. He was at the hall of fame and started crying. He was good, that’s how he got in the hall of fame. He was in that one movie… with the cartoons… It’s not Brendan Frasier, but like…
Okay, that’s right. Sarunas Marciulionis. He’s photoshopped over Central Florida crying. It’s the Twitter Joke. Every ex-Rays player mysteriously has no recollection of playing for the Rays, and every current Rays player has disappeared. On August 2nd, they all come back and they finish fourth in the AL East ahead of Boston but behind Baltimore.
Frank Lampard makes the MLS All-Star Team
Ughhh this event doesn’t even have to suck but it always does, we’re like “this’ll make money!” and then everyone sees it as a clear money-making ploy rather than an actually fun event
Some Sort of Hot Pocket Shortage
It gets reported on the news, and then, like, your Dad goes to the store and buys twenty boxes of hot pockets, and it turns out that they’re not actually in any sort of shortage.
Absolutely No Controversy Surrounds the new Ghostbusters Movie
It’s like, a good movie but not something the AFI’s gonna pick up, it’ll do well at the box office. But there’s nothing bad that anyone in the media says about it and there’s no defining feature that draws ire from any critics or anything.
The Clouds fall out of the sky and destroy basically everything
Finally, the clouds that we knew were going to fall out of the sky someday, they’ve been up there for such a long time, take their ultimate plunge and destroy society. Either that or…
Nothing Bad Happens at all
It’s one of the last two, I’m willing to bet.
So, anyway, that’s July of 2016 for you all. Tomorrow or Saturday I’m gonna outline what I think I will actually do while I’m there, and then July will be me there and all of you guys here and I’ll miss you a lot.