At the closing ceremonies of the 2016 Summer Olympics, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe stepped out of a huge green warp pipe dressed as Mario, the mascot of Japanese game developer Nintendo. Many readers here at Joe Bush Dot Net might not know who Mario is, so I figured I’d give some of you a little backstory on the man himself.

Where Does He Come From?

Mario, at first glance, does not appear to give off any indication of where he’s from. It might be tough to judge, but he lists himself as Italian. In reality, he was born in Wilmington, Delaware – home of current US Vice President Joseph Biden – to two parents whose identities remain somewhat unknown. His birth name was “Dennnis”, with three ‘n’s.

What Does He Do?

Mario generally jumps, but I don’t know exactly what else he does. His job listing changes from game to game. Most of the time, like in Super Mario 64, Super Mario Bros. 2 and 3, and Super Mario Sunshine, he’s listed as a plumber. In the original Donkey Kong, he was a carpenter. In Donkey Kong Jr, he’s listed as a psychologist. Mario Party 3 has him as unemployed. He had a brief stint as a VCR repairman between Yoshi’s Safari, Mario’s Tennis, Mario Clash, and Mario Kart 64. As of Super Mario 3D World, he is again listed as a plumber, but who knows for how long that will last. It’s all in Nintendo’s hands.

Of course, in every game, he runs and jumps. For the most part, he does this out of love for Princess Toadstool, despite her tendency to be captured by Bowser, Mario’s biggest rival. Mario has an undying love for the Princess that at least seems to be reciprocated in like two or three kisses on his comically large but not stereotypical at all nose in his entire life. In his first game, he went after “Pauline”, with whom he had a painful breakup in the spring of 1984. Pauline is currently in prison for committing gambling fraud during the 1998 Mario Kart Banana Peel Cup.

This is a real picture, actually

He went back home, received the doctorate you see him utilize in Dr. Mario, Dr. Mario 64, and NBA Street Vol. 3, and then found Princess Toadstool, who stuck by him for a few years until he left her in 1989. He had one fling with a woman named Daisy, until he realized that Peach really was best for him, and introduced Daisy to his Awful, Heathen Brother: Luigi.

Who Are His Other Friends?

His Awful, Lying, Heathen Brother, Luigi, is his most famous comrade. Nobody knows where This Piece of Shit Asshole comes from, because nobody cares. Luigi is a little bit taller and Significantly More Horrible than Mario. I cannot say for sure whether or not I Personally Saw Luigi Shoplifting at a Circle K in the Summer of 2007, but please listen at least, when I say what might be a fib or a lie, but might also be Incredibly True that I Personally Saw Luigi Shoplifting at a Circle K in the Summer of 2007.

There’s also Yoshi, who is like a horse or something that lays eggs all the time or something.

Wario is like Mario, except disheveled and obese, with a taste for greed. Waluigi is like Awful, Lying, Shoplifting, Disgusting Luigi, except he’s taller, only plays sports, has other cooler friends outside of the circle of friends surrounding Mario, reads more than one book per month, doesn’t have Huge Gambling Debts, and just, generally, isn’t a huge dick.

Sonic is the Ultimate Evil, and should not be mentioned around Mario.

Stanley the Bugman was at one point associated with Mario, but now lives alone in Sarasota, FL and refuses to speak to any of the reporters of joebush.net

Where Does He Live?

He lives in the “Mushroom Kingdom”, which is located in a remote part of Ontario, Canada. The Mushroom Kingdom Mob has threatened to end the lives of me and all the other staff at joebush.net if I reveal any more than that.

In an unrelated note, please do not look exactly 189.7 kilometres Northwest of any city whose name rhymes with “Schmottawa” anytime soon, you won’t find anything.

How Old is He?

Mario was born on September 8th of 1976 – according to his birth certificate – and is currently 26 years old, as every Mario game canonically takes place in November of 2002.

A birth certificate that the sleuth team at joebush.net has discovered

Why the Mustache?

Why not? It’s his own business, let him decide what his facial hair looks like.

Hopefully, by now, you know a little bit about our boy, the superstar, the mustachioed plumber, the main man, Mr. Mario himself. When you see him competing in the pool in Tokyo in 2020, be sure to cheer his name loud and proud. Mario. Mario. or Dennnis. Whatever you want.