Please do not say “Dumbo Boy Made a Big Mess”. I am not Dumbo Boy, and I did not make the big mess. I did not throw the fifteen jars of Planter’s peanuts on the ground, so many of them thrown in some attempt to make a big mess now that the Planter’s company apparently hates glass and the satisfying explosion that comes from throwing one single glass jar of Planter’s peanuts on a tile floor.

I am not to blame for the twenty-two half-eaten Reese’s Peanut Butter cups on the floor of Aisle 6 of the Walgreen’s on 29th street. I cannot be held responsible for the fact that the first of the two Reese’s cups always tastes better than the second one, and it should be on the shoulders of the Reese’s people, possible Reese himself, to make the flavor intensity of the two cups more consistent between all cups and all cups packages.

The actual image is far too gruesome so please enjoy this stock photo

Like the Verve Pipe guy, I can’t be held responsible for the eight or nine Hostess Sno Balls that were stomped upon here in Aisle 6. It is not my fault for stomping on them, and it is not my fault that Sno Balls are superior food to be opened, then smushed upon with a bare foot in order to create a lovely sensation of creme and coconut between one’s little toesies. I do not recommend eating these, by the way. I didn’t put them there but don’t worry.

Nutella, while a delicious mix of hazelnut and chocolate in a tartinade spread, is not to be spread evenly across the shelves of Aisle 6 here at the 29th Street Walgreens. This, unfortunately, through no malpractice of my own, is the case. It’s a big ol’ mess, though I admire the craftsmanship of the person who did it.

I must say again, that I am not Dumbo Boy, and that if I am Dumbo Boy, Dumbo Boy did NOT Make a Big Ol Mess in Aisle 6 of the 29th Street Walgreens. Please stop printing that on shirts, Mitchell.

I do not know who made this mess. It’s not me, but think of who’s the ones doing the bad things nowadays? Is it the mild-mannered Walgreens Photo Clinic Guy who still does a “surprisingly thorough job with developing disposable camera photos even in this day and age” to quote Chloë Markesson, age 23 from Louisville, Kentucky??? No. It is not I. You see the headlines. You see this particular headline, Mitchell.

It’s the millennials. Blame the damn millennials because they’re the ones making a mess out of our economy, our country, our art scene, our understanding of literature, our interpretation of certain paintings, our Cable TV Channels they changed again Meredith and I can’t get to ESPN 2, and god damn it, yes, the Millennials have Messed Up our Fair Snack/Peanut/Soda aisle.