Twelve Signs You Don’t Go to the University of Kansas

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There is no KU ID card in your wallet

This is an obvious one. Probably should be the first place you check, to be honest. If that ID card has like, a different university name, or several holes punched in by Subway Sandwich Artisans of yore, then you might be in the wrong place.

You have Ten Toes

Just about every KU student loses a toe when they commit their first sin on campus. It’s normal, and it happens to almost everyone. Very few of us do not commit any sins on campus, so it’s rare to walk down the hill with all ten of your lil’ piggies comin’ with you. I, for one, lost my middle toe when I “cheated” during a game of saloon poker with the Rowdy Ricketts in the Kansas Union, and they punished me “justly”.

You think Wescoe Beach refers to an actual beach!

It is. I think. I try not to think in detail about Wescoe Beach. This is where the Rowdy Ricketts met me with my demise last February. I will never forget their laughs, as they grasped me by the toe and screamed “It’s Time To Take This Toe Off, This Toe From Your Favorite Foot!” They then took my toe. My goddamn toe.

You Can Name More Than 2 Tom Hanks Films

Everyone loves esteemed actor and legend Tom Hanks, but not everyone knows more than two of his films. Specifically not everyone from KU. Or anyone.

No Stab Wounds

Mine weren’t due to the Rowdy Ricketts. I got stabbed at a ROSS Dress For Less for completely fair reasons, and that’s all you need to know.

Cat Allergies

Yeah, we’re invincible here. At least to common housecats.

You Don’t Know What “Hit Me With The Big Sack of Human Bones Please” means

Oh yeah, when you show up at Allenfield House and scream “HIT ME WITH THE BIG SACK OF HUMAN BONES PLEASE!!!” you’ll know you’re home. You will also be hit with a big sack of human bones.

You look at this guy and are like “who the hell is this”

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Come on, asshole, this is Reggie. Everyone at KU knows Reggie. You probably looked at Reggie and were like “who the hell is this” but we all knew, we didn’t have to ask. You probably hurt Reggie’s feelings, too, asshole.

You think this ISN’T a basketball cathedral

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In this situation, you would be right. This is a regular cathedral. Our rampant addiction to the Ball Sport has crippled our understanding of these buildings.

Both Car Headlights are Still Working

This was the main racket of the Rowdy Ricketts, the rampant rampaging on the right headlight of my 1996 GMC Jimmy. It’s blue and I have two Alan Keyes campaign stickers on the back bumper (one from 2000 and one from 2008). It also only has one headlight now that Rascally Roddy Rickett took his Tire Iron and Ironically Destroyed my Jimmy’s once proud headlight. They also stole the car. I have driven a Moped for the past two months. It is purple and covered in Speed Stick sponsorships.

Stock Market Investments

I’m not gonna say nobody has them, but I mean, come on, guys. Let’s not lie to ourselves.

You are Unable to Recite the Kansas Pledge

Jayhawks, Say it with me now:

Oh boy, boyo

We Ride to The Top

We Fly on Eagle Wings

Or Jaybird Wings

Or Jayhawk Wings

The Feathers Upon Them

Will Guide Us High

Also Airplane Wings Work

We Will Reach The Skies

And Vanquish the Evils of Yore

For The Prize of One Hundred Dollars

Thanks

 

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About Joe Bush

The guy behind JoeBush.net and a lot of other things
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