There’s a popular theory that goes around online amongst the millennials that the popular kids show “The Three Boys, All of Whom are Named Edward” actually took place in either purgatory or hell based on the designs of the show’s characters, also they all died of different illnesses I guess. Here’s a chart.

all of these boys, each named edward, is dead, according to my theory

My head-canon today is based off of the popular children’s program “ESPN Presents: Football Talkers” and it involves these three people.

Based off of the way they are dressed, I have to assume that this program takes place in hell, and all three of them are doomed to argue about football until they die. Me and the Joe Bush Dot Net Media Studies Team (four people at a neighborhood bar and grille) have dissected this.

Name: Bertha, Daughter of Gregor, the One Who Domesticated the Cows

Time Period: Late 1700s

Location: Salem

Cause of Death: Witch Trial

Bertha was burned at the stake for practicing witchcraft in her puritan home. She was in the house when like a horse got sick or something and the townspeople blamed it on some sort of magic. She is in hell because they were right. As she burned, the town around her started to burn as well. She was heard laughing into the night and still can be heard laughing around the streets of Boston to this day. Not a single soul survived her trial. She was the last witch burned.

Name: Horace Williams

Time Period: 2006

Location: Tampa, FL

Cause of Death: Worked and Did Not Spend Enough Time With His Child

Horace was focused on one job. He got his dream position out of college, working for a corporate office in the big city. He loved that job, and worked hard to prove it to his bosses. He wore the same outfit every day – Tailored white shirt to fit his huge traps, and a red tie his son, Marky, gave him for a class fundraiser. Once Horace got a big promotion, his hours increased. He went from being at the office from 9-5 to being at the office from 9-8, and he came home so exhausted that he couldn’t spend any time with Marky. Marky spent every Saturday trying to connect with his father, but the rigor of five days of non-stop work took a toll on Horace. His house got nicer, his car got faster, but the connection to his family grew weaker despite all of Horace’s best intentions. One Tuesday, as Horace walked out of his office, Tampa’s famous wind blew a newsstand over. He stepped out of its way and into the street. A bus careened towards him and struck him. His final thoughts were of every moment he didn’t spend with Marky. Workers at the Applebee’s corporate headquarters, where Horace spent hours each day, say they can hear a ghastly voice wailing “if only there was more time!”

Name: Dark World James Carville

Time Period: 1995

Location: Dark World Washington, Dark World DC

Cause of Death: Dark World H. Ross Perot

Dark H. Ross Perot was defeated by Dark Bill Clinton in the 1992 Dark American election. Dark Carville aided Dark Clinton in doing so, a slick-talking political scientist from Dark Baton Rouge, a dyed-in-the-wool Dark LSU Tiger if there ever was one. Dark Perot took out the rage of the loss in 1992 on Dark Carville, along with the help of Light George H. W. Bush. He struck Dark Carville with a Dark Plymouth Reliant K Car in the parking lot of a Dark Osco Drug in Dark Tallahassee. Light World politics has never been the same.

The three of them are forced to talk about college football’s futile playoff for eternity. They are held there until Nick Saban’s true form is revealed (he’s not one letter away from Nick Jesus, I tell you what)