HEY FOLKS

“DO YOU LIKE BIG TIME FOOTBALL? THE HITS? THE BOOM? THE DOINK? THE WHAP? WELL, HEY, IT’S ALL HERE – THIS IS MY GAME” -John Madden, Opening Cinematic, Madden NFL 99

IT’S FEBRUARY ONCE AGAIN, AND IT’S TIME FOR THE BIG GAME AT THE END OF THE SEASON™, WHERE THE TWO BEST TEAMS IN THE LEAGUE COMPETE FOR THE ONE MOST IMPORTANT TROPHY IN THE LEAGUE, THE VINCE LOMBARDI MEMORIAL COLUMN WITH FOOTBALL ATOP IT.

WE’RE HERE AT THE OLD STADIUM IN HOUSTON, AS THEY CALL IT, FOR THIS YEAR’S BIG GAME™

WE HAVE TWO COMPETITORS IN THIS GAME, THE PATRIOTS OF NEW ENGLAND AND THE FALCONS OF ATLANTA.

“MATTY ICE” RYAN IS UPGRADED TO “CHRISTAL PEPSI” CHANDLER

IN WHAT CAN BE LOOSELY CALLED A “FUCKED UP BOAT ACCIDENT”, EVERY PLAYER ON BOTH THE FALCONS AND THE PATRIOTS HAS BEEN RENDERED “LOST AT SEA”, AND THE GENERAL MANAGERS OR COACHES OR WHOEVER OF BOTH TEAMS HAVE DECIDED TO REPLACE THE PLAYERS WITH THE SAME ROSTERS FROM 1998 FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS POST

FOLKS THIS WAS A BOOM DEFENSIVE STRUGGLE IF I’VE EVER SEEN ONE, C. SLADE WITH THE DANCING HERE AFTER A BIG SACK ON CHRISTAL PEPSI

TOM “LITERALLY SATAN” BRADY GOT REPLACED BY DREW “FIGURATIVELY SATAN” BLEDSOE

DREW, WHO IS STILL BETTER THAN TOM BRADY EVER WAS DON’T FORGET HE WON AN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP WITH TERRY FLENN AND KEVIN FAULK AS HIS ONLY OFFENSIVE TARGETS FINDS BRAD “WINTER” COATES FOR THE FIRST DOWN AS THE PATRIOTS SET UP FOR THEIR FIRST TOUCHDOWN OF THE GAME

THIS, THE TYPICAL RUN PLAY FOR THE TOUCHDOWN FUMBLED INTO THE HANDS OF AN OFFENSIVE LINEMAN, IS THE PATRIOTS FIRST AND ONLY TOUCHDOWN OF SUPER BOWL LI

TODD “SALMAN” RUCCI CELEBRATES

HEH HEH, WHOA! RUCCI WITH HIS CLASSIC “SPIKE THEN STAND IMPOSSIBLY STILL FOR SEVERAL SECONDS” CELEBRATION

SEVEN NIL AT HALF AS THEY SAY IN JOLLY OLD NEW ENGLAND

THIS YEAR’S HALFTIME SHOW IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE PROTO-KERMIT THAT MURDERED THE OTHER MUPPET THAT DIDN’T LIKE THE COFFEE HE DID

SECOND HALF:

THE PATRIOTS START OUT THE SECOND HALF WITH THE BALL

OL DREW GETS HIS TEAM GOING BUT HE RUNS INTO SOME TROUBLE ON THE DRIVE

OUR MAN RONNIE BRADFORD “ON AVON” PICKS HIM OFF AND GETS THE BALL BACK IN FALCON HANDS —- OR SHOULD I SAY – TALONS? HEH HEH HEH

YOU WANT JOKES?

OJ SANTIAGO, THE DIRTY BIRD GETS HIS FILTHY CLAWS ON THE PIGSKIN ON THE SLANT AND GETS UPFIELD TO PUT THE FALCONS IN FIELD GOAL RANGE

AND OLD MORTY ANDERSON BRINGS THE FALCONS WITHIN 4 POINTS ON THE LONG FIELD GOAL

AD:

THE PATRIOTS GET THE BALL BACK

TERRY “TERRY GLENN” GLENN RECEIVES A PASS IN THE FOURTH QUARTER

TROY “STATE UNIVERSITY” BROWN EVENTUALLY GETS THEM FORWARD I THINK, I’VE KINDA LOST CONTROL OF THE PLOT AT THIS POINT

THE PATRIOTS TAKE A KNEE BUT GET CALLED FOR A HOLDING AND THEY GOTTA PUNT

BUT OL CHRIS GETS SACKED BY MARK “JOEY WHEELER” WHEELER

AND THE GAME ENDS WITH NO FANFARE

SO I HAVE TO PHOTOSHOP A TROPHY INTO DREW BLEDSOE’S FILTHY HANDS