In the words of Len Gibbons – “Hey! Here we are.” This is where life is, I guess, and I can’t really get specific – not out of this being too general, but really out of the fact that I can’t name all of the world’s problems and they’re splashed on my damn internet all day long anyhow. Nothing is real, I guess, but also I still have to eat, I guess, so here are hot recipes for you and your constituents or whoever is near you when you’re cooking or possessing food from now until I guess the end of time, now.

One Banana (Brown, Overripe)

Yeah, it’s not ideal. But nothing’s ideal, I guess.

Bunch of Bananas (4, Unripened)

Who gives a shit. Ripe, overripe, whatever. We have time. Time might be all we have, so give yourself something to wait for. Or don’t, maybe just bite into that gross green fruit right now.

Lighter (Bic)

Not food. But whatever.

One Old Tortilla (Fajita Size, Slightly Bent)

It’ll be a little stale. Everything’s a little stale.

Decaf (jug, artificially Hazelnut Flavored)

I don’t know if I want to be awake for the foreseeable future. With this decaf, I can still burn my tongue and be generally groggy and unresponsive all the time.

One Almond Joy (Regular Sized Bar, Wrapped)

The Almond Joy bar was originally created in 1919 by the Peter Paul company, and has been one of America’s favorite candies since then! Oft imitated, but never duplicated, nothing matches the smooth chocolate, creamy coconut, and almond of an Almond Joy bar. Try one today, you’ll be Feeling Like a Nut!

Onions (Diced)

Fingers first. You’ve always been curious.

One Bud Ice (Tall Boy, 25 Fl. Oz)

You might be thinking “Oh, I better get plastered for this foreseeable future”, but, no, actually, you’ll want to be either That Kid Who Liked the Band HIM in High School level sober or lightly buzzed on some Bud Ice. It is Premium, for what it’s worth, as it says on the can, so you’ll be in good hands.

Glass of Blood (Sorceror)

Doesn’t matter where you get it.

Three Almond Joys (Regular Sized Bars, Wrapped)

Three Almond Joys? Oh thank Heaven! Technically each “bar” really contains two clusters, with two almonds in each. Do that quick math, and you’re looking at Twelve Proteinous Almonds embedded in Heaven’s Coconut and covered in “Milk” “Chocolate” exclusively from Hershey, PA. They send me these for free! I get these each month for free! I eat them! I eat them! I eat them! It’s all I eat! Almonds! Chocolate! Coconut! The Sweet Release of Taste into My Mouth Each Month! Almond Joy! Almond Joy! Almond Joy! It Is Food!

Jar of Oregano (Leaves)

Yeah, right, it leaves. Just like everything.