Ladies and Gentlemen, I’ve used my heavy knowledge of both professional and collegiate basketball skills and players to dictate who will be drafted by all of your favorite NBA teams. Now – I know what you’re thinking – How does he know who’s going to get picked? and how does he know the lottery order? Well, let me tell you – The NBA draft picks and lottery order has been rigged since the end of the season, and Adam Silver keeps telling me about it because I work at the CVS by his house and he doesn’t know I run a blog. This is the real order, and these are who will be picked. I’m only doing the lottery picks because I’m lazy and I can’t make that many jokes

1. Celtics

Markelle Fultz – PG, Washington

Markelle lines up a jumper

Fultz is a high-caliber, high-upside kind of point-guard that you want on a talented but still developing young team like we’ve seen in Boston. Brad Stevens needs a great point guard, and he has one already, but he has the potential to see an all-time great talent in Fultz. Markelle Fultz can space the floor and play unselfishly exactly like a coach like Stevens would need for his success. He’ll have to wait behind Isaiah, but when the time comes, he’ll be a deadly pick. The Nets will rue the day that they traded this pick.

2. Lakers

Lonzo Ball – PG, UCLA

The confidence in the step-back here makes NBA Scouts go nuts

Lonzo’s a kid that has a high upside. I haven’t seen passing like his in years, he’s got incredible vision of the floor, and even with an unorthodox shooting style, he’s scored well and shown great potential at UCLA. The Lakers just need stars, and Ball is an LA guy, who wants to play for the Lakers, who will succeed under the highest of pressures. The only question might be his dad, LaVar, who has been outspoken about his son’s desires. The Lakers might not want to get stuck in that conversation with an angry dad like LaVar, but I think Lonzo’s talent is high enough that the Lakers can’t pass him up.

3. Suns

Josh Jackson – SF, Kansas

This is Josh Jackson, I think. He’s one of ’em, I think.

I had the pleasure of watching Josh Jackson upfront at KU this season, and he’s the real deal. I haven’t seen a player succeed both offensively and defensively the way that Jackson did this year since a little guy named Stephen Vinson in 2006. His shooting struggles might be an issue, but we’ve seen guys develop shooting in the past. If he can do that, and remain a talented wingman on offense and a knock-down drag-out shut-down strong safety on defense, the Suns will be in good hands.

4. Sixers

Malik Monk – SF, Kentucky

Monk attacks an 8 Foot Tall Rim

Malik Monk is legit, I think. I haven’t watched a lot of him but I think he’s got a good name and a lot of good guys came out of Kentucky recently. Anthony Davis, he’s good, and like, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist is good too. Jamal Mashburn, I like him. He’s the owner and proprietor of all of the Outback Steakhouses in the state of Kentucky, and the bloomin’ onions there are like twice as good as the ones I had in Sioux City, Iowa last week. Kentucky produces some good stuff, and Monk’s good. I just hope it comes back for another season.

5. Kings

Protest Non-pick

Kings GM Vlade Divac

In lieu of a pick, the Kings will send out a seventeen year old girl with a limp to announce that she’s got real bad problems with a limp, and that the Kings will not pick anyone until she can walk normal again. This is a smart idea, which brings awareness to her cause, and it also spares the Kings the embarrassment of making another very bad pick

6. Magic

Jaysom Tatum – F, Duke

Tatum runs in 12 FPS, which is a slight advantage over the rest of his opponents

The Blue Devils wear blue, the Magic wear blue. Bam. Picked.

7. Sonics

My son, Garfield

Garfield is the one on the right with the belt and the hops

I have ruthlessly and tirelessly taught my son, Garfield, who is named after the cat, to shoot half-court shots with perfect accuracy over the first twelve years of his life. As of our last test, two hours ago, Garfield shot ten standard half-court shots, and made eight of them. This is the best recorded half-court shot accuracy of all time. The Sonics, in picking at this position, will have the ability to pick a child with intense upside who can reliably make shots that will be uncontested at any point in the game. This is a guaranteed 24-32 points per game, Seattle. He is my son, I am incredibly proud of him, and he will change the NBA forever.

8. Blazers

Michael Jordan – G, North Carolina

No shit! He’s the best player ever, why not go get ’em?

9. Blazers

Sentient Basketball with arms and legs

The sign can say whatever the Blazers want

He knows the game very well, considering the fact that he embodies the game itself. Who would know the game better than a basketball? He’s a racist, so keep that in mind, but we’re banking on sensitivity training to even that out in his professional years.

10. Timberwolves

Cyber Muresan

Gheorge Muresan is back, he’s still like eight feet tall, and now he sees everything. Muresan’s upside is incredibly high, because if his robot half becomes sentient and self aware but still decides to be a great basketball player, he will dominate the game of basketball in ways that the human race can’t even comprehend yet. If it becomes regular self-aware, we are all doomed. Either way, the wolves get a good two or three years from him at least.

11. Spurs

Clone of Tim Duncan that we started growing during his rookie year

We told you the Spurs couldn’t win without Tim, and thanks to 2im Duncan, as we’re calling him, they won’t have to try. 2im is literally a recreation of the Tim Duncan that came to the Spurs in 1998, except he’s been silently growing in a vat of liquid over the past 19 years underground in San Antonio. he is now ready to come back out and to dominate the NBA.

12. Mavs

Raef Lafrentz – C, Kansas

The Mavericks are legally obligated to keep Raef around. Mark Cuban is still paying him $45 per game due to his massive contract extension signed in 2002.

13. My Friend Doug

A new leaf blower from the Home Depot

Doug on his perfect lawn

Doug’s been working hard, and I think he’ll really appreciate a new leaf blower for this coming summer. He does a lot of lawn work, so it’ll be good for him to replace the old beaten down John Deere he’s been using. I’m hopin’ for you, Doug, you got that promotion last month, and you should treat yourself by making your life easier with this leafblower.

14. Heat

Kazaam

This guy’s a Genie, but he dunked a guy into a trash compactor so you know he’s legit. Word to the wise for the Heat – Do not be fooled into picking his evil, extra-dimensional clone Shazam, who is both real and not-real at the same time in my memory.