The Case for Helping Me Get Out of This Cave

I messed up. I messed up real bad. I messed up real bad in a number of ways. I messed up real bad in a number of ways which I will now lay out in list form as new media dictates I do:

  1. I allowed a youth to steal The Blogging Pendant from me while I was not looking
  2. Said youth was able to get away from me by hopping on a BMX bike
  3. Said BMX bike riding youth enticed me to trail him to a nearby cave
  4. Said youth threw The Blogging Pendant into the cave as hard as he could
  5. I went and chased The Blogging Pendant

The Blogging Pendant is antique, and magical, and it was imperative that I found it. The Blogging Pendant’s magical powers are what force me to post on this website, and for as long as I’ve held The Pendant, I’ve been forced to write for this website. As soon as it leaves my possession, the world gets a little brighter, but I lose the ability to post on this site, and I simply cannot have that.

Anyway, I’m currently stuck in this… cave, it seems. I’m alone, and I’m afraid, and literally all that I can do is post.

Friends, family, folks of all sorts: I need help. I need to be rescued from this cave, and as new media has dictated, I need to list out every reason why that is.

1. It is Dark

I can’t see a darn thing. It’s all black. Here’s the photo that I took of my current situation

img_5233That’s supposed to be a selfie. I’ve grown a mustache over the past five days, too, and it would’ve been cool if you guys had seen it, but it looks like that’s just not in the cards for today or tonight or whatever the time is.

2. There’s Bats

Oh, buddy, there’s bats.

3. Smells Like Paint

Like acrylic paint, like art class in the second grade. I can’t escape the smell, I don’t know where it’s coming from but I can’t shake the feeling… It’s happening again, Ms. Mangold says I’m using clashing colors on my rainbow fish picture, and I’ve worn down the maroon pastel crayon wrong, oh god no and she’s putting the Goosebumps cassette into the player and we’re going to have to listen to the story of the shoes that walked on their own oh no oh no oh no I’ve spilled blue paint all over my jeans Mom’s gonna be mad

4. I Cannot Shake the Feeling that This is Hazy Maze Cave from Mario 64

scuttlebug

I can’t see it, but I just know one of these fuckers is staring me right down. He’s just waiting… waiting for me to stand up and be like “Wahoo!” but I’m no jolly Italian won’t do either of those things, I won’t let this prick win. I’ll stomp on him and retrieve one single glistening golden coin to regain a sliver of my health if I must, but I’ll take no zeal in it. This is his home. He wants me out, and I want to get out. We want the same thing, but the stakes are different.

He’ll kill to prove a point.

That MIDI theme has looped like seventy times, also, I’m getting tired of it.

5. I have had an old Twix wrapper in my pocket since last night

Don’t you hate that? Like you can’t find a trash can but you want to enjoy a nice toffee, caramel, and chocolate, so you just sort of stow it away for later to be properly disposed but it’s stuck in your pants so you just gotta deal with it for a while. Every time I slightly move my legs, I feel it rustle against my thigh, every time I reach into my pocket like for Chap Stick or a pen, I have to feel that gross foil with the caked-on half-melty chocolate.

It’s so annoying, man. I have to get to a trash can soon, please send help, just walk in front of a cave, and if you hear part of my hours-long unbroken scream, that’s me in there, and you need to get me out.

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About Joe Bush

The guy behind JoeBush.net and a lot of other things
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