LEAKED: Excerpts from Ready Player Two, the Sequel to Ready Player One

Ernest Cline’s 2011 novel Ready Player One has rocketed its way back into the news recently due to Steven Spielberg’s upcoming film adaptation and this kid’s huge leg.

leg boy

This kid’s long-ass leg is actually a genius 80’s reference to former Washington Bullets center Manute Bol

I haven’t read the original book, because I do not know how to read. However, through Deep Cyberspace VR hacking, I and the rest of the Joe Bush Dot Net Hack Team have managed to procure an early manuscript of Ready Player One’s sequel, and, oh boy, is it a book. Surprising nobody, the title to the sequel is “Ready Player Two.” I’ve picked out a few of my favorite excerpts here with minimal plot spoilers. Cline’s 80’s nerd reference-heavy rhetorical style reigns in Ready Player Two just as it did in the original –

“I opened my eyes. I must be back in the stacks, this isn’t anything like my house in VISTA, I thought. It was pitch black, like Subspace in Super Mario Bros. 2, which was called “Super Mario USA” in Japan but originally released as “Doki Doki Panic” because the real Super Mario Bros. 2 was deemed “too hard” for American gamers. I’d beaten both of them easily, though. I turned on my light with my hand and opened my eyes to see that my dick got cut off by a Gr3mlin”

Wade Watts returns as his nerdy online avatar Parzival in a new VR-cyberspace home, “VISTA”, a new world of endless possibilities similar to the “OASIS” of the first book in every feasible way. Cline’s chatroom structure returns as well, as seen in this excerpt from an interaction between Watts and R1pley, his new online geek adversary/love interest:

“Parzival: You seem like you’re a very nerdy girl

R1pley: This is true, I’m like many other nerdy girls of Eighties pop culture, such as Laura Winslow from Family Matters, or Trini from Power Rangers, or Dana who you had a crush on in high school.

Parzival: That is all well and good but do you know who you remind me of?

R1pley: Who do I remind you of?

Parzival: You remind me of the babe

R1pley: What babe?

Parzival: The babe with the power

R1pley: What power?

Parzival: Voodoo

R1pley: Voodoo?

Parzival: You do

R1pley: Do What?

Parzival: Remind me of the babe”

That line of dialogue comes from a film, I assume. I don’t watch many movies, I mostly just sleep and eat cold green beans from a can.

Cline also reuses the page of Geeky 80’s references to characterize Perzival again in this book, except with different references this time:

“I have watched every episode of Airwolf, MTV’s Remote Control, You Can’t Do That on Television, St. Elsewhere, Neighbors, Dinosaurs, and Remington Steele

I have memorized the contents of Al Capone’s Vault, opened by Geraldo Rivera in 1986

I’ve played every game on the Sega Master System, for some reason

I have a framed copy of Michael Dukakis’ Tank Photo on my wall, also I have a piece of the Aggro Crag from GUTS on my dresser, as well as Dana Plato’s Emmy

I’ve memorized every song from Dokken, Enuff Z’nuff, WASP, Stryper, Each member of KISS’ solo output, the entire Billy Ocean discography, each Rap song that a sports team put out between 1981 and 1999 when the genre basically died at the hands of the Jacksonville Jaguars’ “Uh Oh Jaguars” song, and even the shit from all the other Jackson 5 members who weren’t Michael.

Who was the one that got me through the tough times? Kimmy Gibbler, DJ’s friend from Full House

Did I mention the AIDS crisis? I know all about the AIDS crisis, and Iran-Contra, and the 1980 Olympic boycott, and the subsequent 1984 Olympic boycott, and all the other American scandals from the eighties

I’ve bathed myself in Tab Cola, I’ve lubricated myself with Nickelodeon Gak, I’ve eaten a bowl of Nerds Cereal for breakfast each day for the past four years

Who’s my Almighty Father? The Noid. Who’s my Messiah? Geraldine Ferraro. Who’s my holy spirit? The “Time to Make the Donuts” Guy.

“Ready Player Two” is shaping up to truly be a sequel to the book “Ready Player One”, and I, for one, can’t wait to see it come to fruition, and I can’t wait to see this movie about the kid with the long legs, also. As they say, fellow nerds: Have The Force Be With You All.

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About Joe Bush

The guy behind JoeBush.net and a lot of other things
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