This week, the FCC or somebody voted to end the long-standing net neutrality requirement for internet usage in America. I read the first three sentences of the Wikipedia article for Net Neutrality, and boy am I steamed to be losing it. We tried everything, from yelling into the void to pretending that the rich motherfuckers at the top weren’t masturbating to that yelling, and, friends, it looks like the rich, coincidentally, will get what they want again.
Let’s not mince words here. The work on this site will rightfully be the first thing to be scrubbed from the internet if the powers at be are given the chance. They may be correct to do this, but I Will Not Stand For It. I will never cease posting. The format may have to change, but I Will Never Cease Posting. Here’s how you can continue reading my garbage once all goes dark unless it’s supported by Xfinity.
The Physical Plan
It’s as simple as it sounds. A series of notecards with my writing mailed right to your door!
- The Base Plan: Each post is written in print handwriting with a Bic ballpoint pen on a standard 3×5″ notecard. $4.99 Per Month
- The Premium Plan: Each post is written in cursive handwriting with a green Pilot G2 Pen on a standard 3×5″ notecard. $7.99 Per Month
- The Gold Plan: Each post is written in all caps in Teal Sharpie Marker on a series of Hallmark greeting cards. $11.99 Per Month
The Audionarrated Plan
For a monthly fee of only $4.99, you’ll be sent a cassette tape with me narrating each post I make. Listen to it, then send it back, and I’ll tape over it. If you have a fondness for one particular piece, then I’ll send you a special premium cassette at $2.99 each of me repeating my reading of that piece for 90 minutes for you to keep. This is the most environmentally-conscious plan I’m offering.
The Live Audionarrated Plan
This is essentially the same as the audionarrated plan, except it’s completely free, and it takes place at 4:40 PM each Tuesday afternoon at the Southwest corner of 9th and New Hampshire Street in Lawrence, Kansas, where I will stand on a stepstool and read my posts from a notebook. Gather ’round, bring drinks, etc. There will be a Q&A and signing of whatever you want shortly afterwards. This will begin whenever the site goes dark, and it will cease whenever I either:
1. Move away from Lawrence
2. Get forcibly run out of Lawrence
3. Get put in jail
The Anthology Plan
If you’re squeamish about recurring payments, then this is the plan for you. At the end of each year, for a one-time payment of $89.99, you’ll receive a handwritten anthology of my writings from the year. This year’s “Things What I Wrote 2017” will be written in black Pilot G2 Pen ink in cursive font on a standard 1 Subject Red College Rule notebook, pictured above.
For now, we’re still here. But if we go dark at the hands of the FCC or Verizon or Al Gore or whoever, this will be the new reality.