Just yesterday, scientists from around the globe came together to drop what really seems to have been an overstepping of boundaries – The theory to determine what is actually a “good” song. It’s been released and only I have a copy of it but, trust me, the science is sound, the formula makes sense, and you don’t need to read it, and it’s real.
There have been a lot of songs over the years, I guess. “The National Anthem” “Candle in the Wind” “My Own Worst Enemy“. All of these are songs, but none of them found the scientific mountaintop reached by “The King of Wishful Thinking” by eighties Sophisti-pop group Go West. The report detailing why this song was chosen through rigorous study and formulaic research is kinda vague and honestly not all that insightful, but somehow, they came out with this track on top. The formula, honestly, seems kind of directed in favor of the song in question, but I’ll let you all be the judge of that:
Potentially the first and most egregious aspect of this formula’s skewing is how it stresses “dope horn hits” as about thirteen percent of a song’s score. While this doesn’t completely erase the possibility of a song sans-horn hit from scoring highly, it significantly inhibits them. This harms the potential of some of history’s greatest horn-hitless songs, like Fleetwood Mac’s “Go Your Own Way” or R. Kelly’s “She’s Got that Vibe“. However, this significantly increases the potential of “The King of Wishful Thinking”, which has some of the dopest horn hits of all time.
Another 20% of the score rate in the formula deals with what’s classified as “HOT BASS, BABY”. This refers to the instrument and the line created by said instrument, rather than the dish I typically order at the Cabela’s food court. The bass in “The King of Wishful Thinking” is a strong suit, but does it deserve 20% of the formula? Is it worth it to basically eliminate famous great bass-less songs such as “When Doves Cry” or, I guess, “Can’t Hold Us” by Macklemore? I’m not so sure.
Another glaring aspect of the formula is “Could the video maybe be somebody’s fetish?” and while this gives points to a hilarious number of music videos, high scores are given particularly to the section of this video where both members of the band are almost stepped on by women in stilettos. Honestly, I don’t really think this should have anything to do with how good the song is, though.
But the most egregious aspect of this formula was the segment that seems specifically targeted at Swing Out Sister’s “Break Out“, a song with a bassline and horn hits good enough to completely destroy the formula. For instance, points are added for “percentage of band composed of two goofy white British dudes” (100% for Go West, and 66% for Swing Out Sister), yet points are severely deducted for “percentage of band composed of one goofy white British woman” (0% for Go West, and 33% for Swing Out Sister). Plus, there’s a caveat in the formula for “referencing ‘breaking out'” which deducts nearly half of a song’s points, which is a shame. However, that’s science.
I don’t agree with the scientists’ findings, but at this time, when science is under attack and the men from Go West are at risk of being stepped upon by a giant woman in stilettos, I have to believe them. I have to believe them. “The King of Wishful Thinking” is the only good song of all time.