(I know the headline’s grammatically incorrect, just please hold steady with me)

Ricky… He’s done it to me. He got me. He went too far. If it’s any solace, he might go to hell for those jokes, but I don’t think it is… Mister Gervais, you’ve done it. You’ve offended me. These are the five bits that hurt my little fee-fees and made me go crying to my safe space, my millennial soul crushed by the cold blue steel of the real world.

1. The Vulgar Nursery Rhyme about Murdering Barney the Dinosaur

Richky initiates his special with a classic Gervaisian anti-religion monologue.

“The church is a bit weird, innnit? Bunch of people go to sit in an ol’ buildin’ t’hear an old man talk about stories from an old book eh? Every Sunday at eight AM? Tell you what I’m doin’ while they’re doin’ that – I’m sleepin’! I go out and drink Saturday night an’ I go home and sleep til’ noon on Sunday!”

But the most incendiary bit comes as he questions the religious practice of song:

“Aye, they ‘ang out in these pews, right? Kinda sounds like a laser gun, ey, like “pew pew pew!”

*audience laughs*

“and they sing dese songs, right? Like “Joy to the World”, right? Well I got my own version I like to sing, goes like, “Joy to the world, Barney’s dead… I barbecued ‘is head!”

B-barney? The dinosaur? D-dead?? And… and Barbecued??? Cooked?

This struck me to my core. The perversion of my beloved purple dinosaur who taught the alphabet to me when I was a child… mixed with the perversion of my beloved church who used to feed me lil bits of bread and juice when I was a child? Disgusting. Offensive, Ritchy, you should be ashamed.

2. The Anti-Religion, Pro-Atheism quip

I know he’s an atheist because of this picture, where he writes it in red lipstick on his chest

He got me again later in the same monologue about Church. He starts out benign enough:

“Oy, mate, when I think about it, y’know God’s some big guy up in the sky who tells us what to do and what’s wrong an ‘all ‘at, right? So, yo’know, ‘at makes sense, donn’it?” But, y’know, I believe in God…”

At this moment, I was taken aback. I thought, for years, I was secure in knowing that Richie Gervaise was a proud atheist… And for him to come over to my side on something, it was comforting. I was starting to see Rickie’s side on the issues, maybe we’re not so different, him and I… But then, he hit me again, like a jab to the throat:

“…NOT!”

I couldn’t believe it. His simple statement of fact, completely subverted and derailed with a simple one syllable word… How could he? How could he toy with my emotions like that?

3. The 14-minute detailed monologue about how he fucked his dog

Yeah, this was messed up. I can’t condone this and I don’t want to quote any of it, but the severity of language and the matter-of-fact tone of voice, and the detail – Jesus Christ, the detail – of this monologue made me certain that he’s fucked his dog at least once, if not a couple of times. I would’ve left this out, were I him, but it’s his special, I guess.

4. His diatribe about how the world’s “going crazy”

This might go down in the annals of history, this rant. Ricky blew my expectations of what I thought the world to be completely to shreds with this one:

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named “Bush”, “Dick”, and “Colon.” Need I say more?”

No, Richiy. You needn’t say anything more at all. The world truly is going crazy.

5. His Finishing Subversion of the Idea that He Cares About My Feelings

His final joke in his Tour de Jokes once again preyed upon my good faith. He addressed the audience like he was making a serious announcement, unlike his prior comedic jokes:

“I know I’ve probably offended a lot of you, and I’ve got something’ for those of you who i did, right.” He went to reach for something in his shirt pocket.

My eyes lit up! Maybe he does care about my feelings! Perhaps this angry, spiteful Ricky Gervais was but an act, not unlike David Brent or one of his other characters I’m sure he does.

Then… in one final act of defiance… what he pulled out of his shirt pocket was no pamphlet on acceptance, no olive branch, or peace pipe…

It was his middle finger. He showed it to me, and every other rightfully offended member of the crowd and made a noise like “Nyeahhhhh”. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it. I still can’t. Ritcky, you should be ashamed, and I’m going to cancel my Netflix subscription as soon as I can remember the password to my account.