That’s right. The season starts today, and boy howdy, does that mean the season starts today. Each team in both leagues did some soul-searching over the course of the offseason and decided that they’d be happy playing ball again this weekend, and we have the privilege of paying a minimum of $10 and a maximum of like $1,200 in these huge stadia to watch them do so, and then we’ll pay a minimum of $14 and a maximum of like $18 for the right to drink a domestic light beer in said stadia. With all that known and good, time has come for me to predict this year’s coming ball-and-batmen whose hits and swings will come to define the American Pastime like so few others can.
The Yankees Look to Reinvent Power
With the signing of 2017’s Most Valuable Player, Giancarlo Stanton, the New York Yankees appear to be trying to win baseball games this season. Luckily, they’ll be playing one hundred and sixty two of them. Giancarlo Stanton and this Judge kid are tasked with hitting a ball real hard so it flies over a wall with the end goal being the scoring of points. This has actually been standard practice for baseball teams since the beginning, as scoring more points than the other team generally gets counted as a “win” in the American League. I say they’re reinventing power because I suspect that Hal Steinbrenner’s been funneling concession money into developing a perpetual motion machine in order to reinvent the concept of power and then declare himself God. I’ll delve further into this theory in a nineteen-post series sometime in mid-June.
Shohei Otani Brings a New Dimension to the Angels
The Angels have been title contenders in the past few seasons, but with the addition of Japanese phenom Shohei Otani, they’ll be seriously contending once again this year, except they’ll have Shohei Otani on their team which is probably good because he seems good. The trout guy also seems good, runs fast.
The Detroit Tigers Look to Play Baseball in the City of Detroit
Detroit, which is the largest city in the state of Michigan, has a baseball team named the Tigers, and damn if they won’t be there for half of their games this year. In the other half, they will play in opposing stadia across this country and one city in Canada. None in Mexico, though.
The Cleveland Indians to Still Be Named That
Yeah, what the fuck, guys
Here is the San Francisco Giants’ Logo
If Anyone Wants to Buy Me a Ticket so I Can See a Game at the Rays’ Horrible Stadium That Would Be Wonderful
There’s something about carpet, man, like…. y’know… carpet… that’s supposed to look like grass. Gets me goin’. Something about that facsimile of God’s two creations: Grass and Dirt, and something about just… the whole thing looking the way that it does… and the fact that it’s all inside… like there’s something so wrong, yet so, so right about the Rays’ stadium…
In an Empty Stade Olympique, Youppi Waits
He’s still there… waiting… watching… he will be freed only once the Nationals win a playoff series…. until then….. Youppi Waits
JOE’S WORLD SERIES PREDICTION:
Braves in Five. Thanks.