It’s My Birthday Today, and I’m 23!

That means only one thing…BRING IT IN, GUYS!!!

*every character from every game, comic, cartoon, TV show, movie, and book reality come in with everything for a HUGE party*

Screen Shot 2018-04-25 at 8.55.49 PM.png

This is a grainy photograph of the party, which only looks like a 1999 Dreamcast ad out of coincidence

I needed a venue that could hold literally every fictional character in existence. Naturally, I chose the Houston Astrodome. After I spent three nights in an abandoned men’s room on the middle level, I became legal owner of the property under Texan Law. It took me a while to move all the chairs and I had to shoo Bum Phillips out with a broom, but it made for a decent enough party space.

astrodome.jpg

The party started tamely enough. The first person to arrive was the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee, whose name I think is Honey. He’s not all that interesting, honestly, he’s committed to the product, like I can’t have a decent conversation with him for more than like forty-five seconds before he starts talking about Honey Nut Cheerios, he’s not like the Cocoa Puffs bird, Sonny, who can actually carry on a decent conversation, he’s well read about philosophy, academic theory, all that sort of stuff. But, no, I got stuck with the Bee. He’s not even one of the cool Bees. Like I’d take the Seinfeld bee before him. I talked to him for like eight minutes, too, he showed up a full hour before the thing even began, like, what the hell, Bee?

Anyway, soon enough, John Q. from the movie John Q. showed up, along with the Grey Gardens ladies, Macklemore, the evil bear from Toy Story 3, David the Gnome and David the Gnome’s Wife and the fox from David the Gnome, I think it was a fox, at least, Ophelia, the Kraft Mac n Cheese Dinosaur, Lan from Mega Man Battle Network, the Bee guy from the Simpsons, Moe from the Simpsons, Martin Mystery, the kid who was on drugs from that Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue movie, and Hans Moleman from the Simpsons.

Most of these guys were chill. Martin Mystery’s one of those craft beer guys and I only bought Coors Light and Coors Banquet and Budweiser Premium for the party with the standard BYOB added on the invitation, but Martin was a little chippy about that. I said to bring your own, Martin, like, that’s on you.

martin mystery

The girl was there too but she never said anything

The frustrating thing was that a lot of these people just didn’t mingle initially and as more people showed up – Ralphie from A Christmas Story, Ralphie the Colorado University mascot, Niles from Frasier, puppet Joey Fatone from the Bye Bye Bye video, the Bonnes from Jean Genet’s “Les Bonnes”, the boy next door from the Call Me Maybe video, and Sektor from Mortal Kombat 3 – it got harder and harder to talk to each of them individually. I guess that’s the price you pay when you’ve got literally every character in the history of fiction at your party, but, shit, it got really impersonal after a while.

Ecco the Dolphin and Mary Jane from Spider-Man both showed up at the same time and got in a little tiff, which I guess is to be expected. The entire Banks family from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air showed up at once and immediately started at the Bud Premium I’d bought, the bougie shitheads they are. I noticed that the Halo guy came in at one point, too, but like he was silent the whole time. John Madden from the Madden games showed up in his huge bus and had a whole bunch of people in the huge bus – Malvolio, Scaramouche, Crash Bandicoot, Ellen Degeneres and Margaret Cho – but the characters from the sitcoms, not the real women themselves, fictional Kevin Durant from the Thunderstruck movie, Figment from Epcot, the robot Bugs Bunny from that future Looney Tunes show, Wishbone the dog, the kid from Franz Kafka’s Amerika, Kevin from Home Alone’s brother, Diddy Kong, Jesus from the Bible, the commander guy from All’s Quiet on the Western Front, the ghost woman Beloved from Toni Morrison’s Beloved, Beowulf from the movie, Beowulf from the poem, Beowulf the concept, each of the fictional football players from Mike Ditka’s Quarterback Attack for the Sega Saturn, the CGI Hulk from the Ang Lee Hulk Movie, Ollie the Magic Bum from Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2, Uncle Joey, Sean Bradley from Space Jam, Sonny the Cocoa Puffs bird (finally, thank God), Dick from High Fidelity, Billy Hatcher, all of the Mighty Ducks from the Mighty Ducks films, also most of the 2003 Western Conference champion Mighty Ducks of Anaheim as depicted in NHL 2K3, sans Paul Kariya, and Howie Schwab from Stump the Schwab.

Screen Shot 2018-04-25 at 9.27.38 PM

The atmosphere had started to get better by this point. I really thought this was going to be a great party, at this point. It was all going well! I had been worried but the beer had been flowing, some people brought some good spirits too – and I don’t mean just the drinks! Pretty soon, things began to go downhill.

And it’s all thanks to this one:

chunky.png

“One Hell of a guy”, my ass

As soon as Chunky Kong entered the room, I knew it was going down. Almost immediately, Chunky pounded a Coors Banquet and yelled what I later learned was a sort of slur at Vectorman from the Vectorman games (it’s one of those things between game characters, kind of like the ’90s East-West rap feuds that ended with Tupac and Biggie dead, Nintendo and SEGA characters still have some sort of hateful language between them, we wouldn’t understand it and out of respect for Vectorman, I won’t print the word he was called here). This prompted a fight between the DK Crew and several characters who remained loyal to SEGA after the mid nineties – Vectorman himself, Ecco the Dolphin, Tails, Ex-Trailblazer Brian Grant, and Buster Douglas (who had a Genesis game and always remained SEGA-sympathetic).

brian and tails

Yeah, for whatever reason, Brian Grant and Tails always remained chummy

The brawl turned ugly, quickly – which is to be expected being a brawl, there are few brawls that aren’t ugly to begin with. Pretty soon every character from every game, comic, book, etc. universe were coming to blows, and nobody seemed to actually understand why, it really seemed like a lot of people came knowing something was going to break out. At one point there was a huge pocket of fighting between the Progressive Insurance Woman, Lola Bunny, the Vampire Pete Wentz from the A Little Less Sixteen Candles video, Murphy Brown, the dancing baby from that old internet animation that would be on Ally McBeal, Kirk Douglas’ character from Man in the Hole, David Brent, Horace from Horace Goes Skiing, Moses from the Bible, and Marty McFly’s dad. Most left with bruises and cuts, some with broken bones, and the kid obsessed with the pauses in songs from A Visit from the Goon Squad was beaten to death by Banya from Seinfeld. By the end of the party… I don’t know. I just wish I hadn’t thrown it.

It just broke down. This was a mistake. This was a mistake. I am 23, and this was a mistake.


Follow Joe on Twitter @joebush_joebush, and at the Post Hole on Facebook, and catch him throwing dice in the alley every Thursday night between 1 AM and 1:20 AM. This whole thing is a tribute to GameMasterAnthony and the greatest forum post of all time
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About Joe Bush

The guy behind JoeBush.net and a lot of other things
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