Independence Day Special: Here’s DaMarcus Beasley Peeing at the World Cup

Midfielder DaMarcus Beasley feasibly would’ve been the first American to play in five World Cups with an appearance on the USMNT’s squad at Russia 2018. However, an unforeseen set of circumstances led to the American squad “Not Making the Tournament,” and DaMarcus has simply played a full MLS schedule in the summer in Houston as a 36 year old man, which is also incredibly impressive and I don’t know what he does to be able to do that.


DaMarcus is one of America’s best, and on this day of our independence from a tyrannical monarchy who immediately went and fixed many of its problems in a way that our atrophied ancient governmental system never will, it’s our duty here at Joe Bush dot Net to celebrate America’s best, which is why I’ve chosen to highlight the time that DaMarcus Beasley Peed on the Pitch at the World Cup.

Fewer than 800 men in the entire world made a World Cup roster this year. Some of the world’s best players don’t even get the chance to set foot on that pitch – This year, Gareth Bale and Alexis Sanchez both will watch from home. That pitch is sacred. That grass is unattainable to most. Men would die to get even one chance out there.

But DaMarcus, during a match in the 2002 World Cup against Mexico, had to go, and indeed he did go. During the match. Against Mexico. On the grass. One can also make out through the BBC censorship blur that he doesn’t even need to take the shorts off, he snakes it down the little leg hole to give himself an angle at the grass. (something I didn’t think I could replicate until I tried) Outside of Landon Donovan’s accidental goal that he curled off of a Portuguese man’s face, it’s the most impressive thing an American player did at the 2002 World Cup.

This is what we must celebrate about America, if we must celebrate anything at all. The United States gets harder to celebrate every year, and rightfully so, as we continue to destroy other governments, remain in endless wars, and now I guess we’ve brought back the Roosevelt-era concentration camps, except they’re for children exclusively this time, which is even more fucked up than the normal American level fucked up. On a mass level, no, this country is not worth celebrating and you shouldn’t feel guilty for staying inside, wearing a black shirt, and watching Wimbledon while eating Nutella out of the jar with a spoon today. At least, I won’t.

But in spite of all of that, men like DaMarcus Beasley make it out of the American machine designed to keep genuine talent like him from success, and from time to time, they make it on the field in Korea, and they pee on said field, and then in Germany, South Africa, and Brazil, they get invited back.

Men like DaMarcus don’t come around every day. But a man like DaMarcus came out of America. That’s what I’m celebrating today. I’m celebrating a man who got paid in some part to urinate on the grass without taking his pants off while wearing the uniform of his country.

If you comment something like “‘Merica” or “America, Fuck Yeah” from that awful South Park guys movie you’re out of the will, banned for life from the Post Hole, not invited to my shitty cookout where I grill Boca burgers on a George Foreman grill, and blocked from the Tweet Hole. Thanks

About Joe Bush

The guy behind and a lot of other things
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