Boltman is For Sale. Boltman is For Sale.
Boltman, history’s greatest sports mascot, the long-time unofficial citizen mascot of the San Diego Chargers, is up for auction on eBay. Boltman, who is both Bolt and Man, lost his place in the world during the 2017 National Football League season when the team to whom he’d pledged allegiance emigrated away from the city he called home in favor of a suburb of Los Angeles. In the team’s defense, there were greener pastures in leasing stadium time from Los Angeles Galaxy.
He’s found no reason to continue in his role as Boltman. As the Chargers remain in LA, and as multiple new American Football leagues apparently vie for that vaunted
Qualcomm San Diego County Credit Union Stadium space, the chances that the Chargers call San Diego home again have grown quite small. Boltman may never get the chance to see the Chargers in San Diego again.
San Diego’s mascots are dying out. The Chicken was apparently never actually the Padres mascot and he’s close to retirement. Bum the dog has been dead for 120+ years. And lest we forget what we did to poor Zuma the Jaguar?
My greatest fear is that Boltman, too, will follow the Chargers away from San Diego. With him gone, headed to Carson to hang out with Zlatan and the See’s Candy Corporation, San Diego will be left with what? King Triton? Diego Torero? Tony Hawk?
To save Boltman, I must become Boltman. These are my Three Pledges:
I Will Keep Boltman in San Diego
I don’t have the money for gas to drive to Carson anyway so I couldn’t go to Charger games even if I wanted to.
I Will Maintain the Boltman Public Image
I will wear the costume at all times, and I will cut down on my trademark Tea Time Temper Tantrums, which generally occur around 4 PM when I’m hangry
I Will Support San Diego Football
Whoever comes and fills the void, be it the AAF, the XFL, the MGTOW, I don’t care. I will support them. I’ll support the Aztecs, the Toreros, and whatever UCSD puts out there. I’ll go to Madden tournaments, I don’t give a shit. I’ll go to Arena League games if I have to. I Will Support San Diego Football
I have the drive, the will, the know-how, and the minute knowledge of Charger history I think a proper Boltman needs. Now all I need is the money. The eBay auction will easily surpass $100,000, and I currently have $42 in my wallet. I need some money to make up the gap. GoFundMe turned me away because “I’ve committed fraud there before.” Kickstarter apparently “Doesn’t work in this sort of manner.” Elon Musk won’t return my phone calls. I’ve been kicked off of Jeff Bezos’ property so many times that he has the legal right to end my life. I have no billionaire feet left at which to grovel.
I Have Only You, Readers.
I’m raising $100,000 for the purpose of becoming Boltman. Here’s how to donate to the cause:
- Put however much money you want in an envelope
- Send it to me or give it to me next time you see me
It’s that simple. It’s that simple. We will raise $100,000. I will become Boltman.