Are You Dystopian-Future-Proofing Your Home?

This environment ain’t gonna storytell itself.

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One of these days, society as we know it must crumble. I’m not advocating for it, but I can’t really do anything about it. It’s like a hurricane or an earthquake or getting turned into a very tiny person and then falling into a bowl of cereal. We can’t really control when the walls crumble and society fails, but we can control how people learn about it. Much in the way that every video game character has been made to grope at dark corners and search through bookshelves, the future post-apocalyptic protagonists of their own stories will have to write history through evidence. On the off chance that my apartment stands somewhat intact but I die during the Technapocalypse™, I’ve elected to strategically place a few items to give it that “Environmental Storytelling” flair!

Audiolog Cassettes

I’ve only left the one, pictured above, in my apartment because it’s surprisingly hard to find a tape, record the proper audio, and edit a cassette-based audiolog in this day in age. I’ve written #7 on the tape, though, so that the protagonist gets a sense that this is a routine sort of thing for me during this time.

The contents of this tape are fairly simple. I talk about my day, I talk about a general feeling of uneasiness I feel, I use words like “they” and “we” and “Incoming Technapocalypse™” liberally, and I put music in between my statements to give it that cultural flair. Having the opportunity to literally rewrite cultural history here, the only songs I use are Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard and Closer by Tegan + Sara, which, if all goes well, will be defined as history’s most important songs in this post-apocalyptic society.


Crumpled-up Notecard Implying that Illegal Mind-Control Drugs Exist

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This is pretty simple, but it works. The heart at the bottom gives me a sense of humanity, and the fake boyfriend implies that I was at one point both in a happy relationship and also either took or distributed illegal mind control pills. Whatever the case, the protagonist of the story will be forced to both learn something about this society and feel something about this society’s people, which is kind of the goal, in my eyes.


Loaf of Bread Marked to Imply that Bread Became Very Expensive at One Point

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What the hell kind of society could force one to pay 300 dollars for a loaf of Trader Joe’s Gluten Free White Sandwich Bread? Probably a fucked up one that was on the verge of a Technapocalypse™. See what I’m getting at here?


PS1 Multitap, Pair of SHAQs

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The multitap is just to show how fucked up it was that they made us buy an extra thing just to play NBA Hangtime with three friends back in the nineties. The shoes are to maybe falsely create the idea that it was Shaquille O’Neal, not Michael Jordan, whose shoes redefined the shoe industry.


Cryptic Wall Graffiti (in planning stage)

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Wouldn’t that freak you the hell out if you were just walkin’ around some dude’s apartment and saw that on the wall? I haven’t put it up there yet, ’cause I’m still bankin’ on getting this deposit back. But the second it looks like things are a-tumblin’ towards the Technapocalypse™, I’m gettin’ a big ol’ paintbrush out and writing this up there.


Trevor Hoffman Jersey

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Dude was a legend. If I owe anything to anyone, it’s to make sure that Hoff’s name goes down even in post-history.


Note on DVD Case Implying that Mortal Kombat: Annihilation Was an Accurate Depiction of Typical Human Events and a Marker of the Height of Our Culture

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Can you imagine the look on their face? Like, a guy excavates this DVD from a pile of rubble, sees this note, and thinks he’s finally unlocked the key to what happened at the end of our society, and then he pops it in an excavated DVD player and he has to sit and analyze this garbage film? What a freakin’ rube! How long do you think he gets in before he realizes I’ve played him like a sap? Does he get to that mud-fight scene? That awful “too bad you will die” line-read? Oh, God, it’ll be hilarious!


Before the Technapocalypse™ takes us all, you owe it to yourself to read The Post Hole and the Tweet Hole
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About Joe Bush

The guy behind JoeBush.net and a lot of other things
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