Millennials? Generation X? The Greatest? What do all of these words mean, and how can you use them as leverage when you need to blame somebody?
I spend my days working as an in-class tutor in a freshman writing class. Last week, while discussing one of the many thinkpieces about how kids are addicted to their phones all the time, it came to my attention that none of the eighteen year-old kids could’ve defined precisely which generation suited them best. Were they millennials? Were they in Generation X? Were they some sort of Generation Zed, iGeneration thing? Everybody knew the words, but nobody really knew the meaning. This is because the idea of a “generation” is some dumb bullshit marketers come up with because it’s tough to get data on people.
But as philosophers from Ludwig Wittgenstein to James Arthur Ray have stated – Language is what forces ideas into existence. Generations exist because we say that they do. Definitions become realities because we have the ability to speak them there. This post exists because I writed it. Let’s put definitions to ideas.
The Lost Generation
Also Known As: The 1919 Chicago Black Sox
First Event Committed to Memory: Assassination of William McKinley
Generation Defining Moment: Gettin’ Mustard Gassed, Destroying Two Cities Worth of People with the Atomic Bomb, Doing Blackface,
Defining Members: Harry S. Truman, Babe Ruth, Al Jolson
Defining Art: Filmstrip where the train drives towards the screen and the entire audience shits their pants and runs, Retellings of Ty Cobb’s many instances when he jumped into the stands and beat the shit out of some rando, the pic of the elephant being hanged in Tennessee
This generation, the one who had to do World War I, is called the “Lost Generation” because they had to do World War I and died in World War I. This is, ostensibly, the final really shitty time to be born before a series of probably better times to be born. Those born in the Lost Generation got to see the Lusitania, the Titanic, and the Hindenberg all get destroyed, or alternatively had to wait for a dude on a pony or a dude driving a train to get that news to them four weeks later.
The Greatest Generation
Also Known As: The Doughboys, Kissinger n The Dudez
First Event Committed to Memory: Watching Dad leave for a trip on the Titanic
Generation Defining Moment: Almost But Not Quite Killin’ Hitler before he got it done himself, Kissing Random Woman on V-J Day, Doing Blackface
Defining Members: Salvador Dali, Mark Rothko, Hirohito, Joe Dimaggio
Defining Art Piece: Whatever the CIA funded Pollock to do, the Budweiser painting with General Custer, Gone With the Wind
These guys got all the fun stuff, they got jobs, they got heroism in World War II, they got that cool picture of them holding up the flag that they staged, and people started calling them “The Greatest Generation,” which automatically biases everyone else in their favor. Out of spite for the fact that they automatically got to be the Greatest Generation, I will say no more.
The Silent Generation
Also Known As: Who?, Everyone They Made Fight in Korea, Bums Who Could Never Be as Good as Dimaggio, The Lucky Few
First Event Committed to Memory: Kitchen covered in dust (Midwest), Riding in a Motorcar (East Coast), Old dude yells on the radio about a zeppelin burning up (across the country)
Generation Defining Moment: Gettin’ Blacklisted Because Your College Roommate Later Became a Communist, Picturesque sharing of a milkshake with a young dame at a dairy bar, Doing Blackface
Defining Members: Jack Nicklaus, Walter Mondale, The Beatles that aren’t George
Defining Art Piece: All Early Rock and Roll Music, Star Trek
These people are I guess known as “The Lucky Few,” which is ironic, because they mostly had to go fight in either the Korean war or the Vietnam war, which strikes me as being absurdly unlucky. Out of respect for them being the Silent Generation, I will say no more.
The Baby Boomers
Also Known As: The Lucky Many, Motherfuckers Who Get to Yell At Me Because I Use an iPhone
First Event Committed to Memory: Nixon’s Death (figurative), Kennedy’s Death (Excruciatingly Literal)
Generation Defining Moment: Either Going to Vietnam or being a baby during Vietnam, The Slow Satisfying Death of Elvis Presley, Leaving Facebook Comments on the Bloomberg News Facebook Page, Hearing about and then ignoring the AIDS Crisis, Slightly Less Blackface
Defining Members: George Harrison, Jeb Bush, Woman Who Accused Me of Stealing Her Credit Card Information When Selling Her a Cincinnati Bengals License Plate Frame
Defining Art Piece: All Later, Whiter, Shittier Rock and Roll Music, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Pong
They’re supposed to be the diametric enemy of the later generations, they poisoned the water or whatever, fucked with the deficit spending or whatever, gave us the Captain and Tenille, and since they represent such a wide swath of like 20+ years, you can attribute or blame whatever on them and it’s probably fine.
For what it is worth, they lived through the sixties and seventies, which meant, like, Woodstock, Disco Demolition Night, and a select few of them in Dallas got to watch as the most powerful man in the world’s head literally exploded. They will continue to tell you about it. Out of spite of them telling you about them, I will say no more.
Also Known As: Cold War Babies, the Atari Generation, Some other Shit Probably
First Event Committed to Memory: Jimmy Carter’s Malaise Speech
Generation Defining Moment: The First Time Somebody Flipped on MTV to some Supertramp video and then they waited for like fifteen minutes before that Dire Straits song with the homophobic slurs in it came on, Everybody watching that OJ Simpson Car Chase
Defining Members: Will Smith, Obama, the Google founders, Kurt Cobain, both of the Menendez Brothers
Defining Art Piece: Cop Rock
Can you imagine growing up under the constant threat of nuclear war? Probably sucks, right? Okay, imagine that, but you don’t get to play a Game Boy until you’re at least twenty. Yeah. Fucked up, wouldn’t wanna be one of those guys. Out of respect for their inability to play Wario Land 2 until they were in their thirties probably, I will say no more.
People Who Had a Sexual Awakening to Cheetara from Thundercats
Also Known As: Early Furries
First Event Committed to Memory: Seeing Cheetara for the first time
Generation Defining Moment: Seeing Cheetara for the rest of the times
Defining Members: CheetaraLover117 from DeviantArt, KingCheeta from DeviantArt, XxXWeedLordXxX from DeviantArt, Elon Musk
Defining Art Piece: Me and My Wife Cheetara, CheetaraLover117, LionO/Cheetara at the Walgreens Clinic, Birdfan33, fanfiction.net
Timeframe: 1977- April 25th, 1995
Also Known As: Scourge of the Earth, The Snowflake Generation, the Occupy Generation, Some Other Dumb Shit They Could Put on a TIME Magazine Cover
First Event Committed to Memory: The Challenger, The September Eleventh Attacks, Eminem and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog’s Beef
Generation Defining Memory: I dunno, they’re too busy looking at their dang cell phones to have any memory!
Defining Members: LeBron James, PewDiePie, Chapo Trap House guys, Logan Paul, Cardi B, JonBenet Ramsey
Defining Art Piece: Endless String of Identical Marvel Films, Party Rock Anthem, Piss Christ
Millennials have killed every single industry and many more: Napkins, Mayonnaise, the Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants, Buffalo Wild Wings, Abercrombie and Fitch, Applebee’s, Condoms, The Cruise Ship Industry, the career of Jay Leno, and who knows What’s Next?
The one thing that’s sure is that they love those damn phones, and the majority of them will never own a house.
History’s Hugest Dumbass
Timeframe: April 26th, 1995
Also Known As: Josh, fucker from the web, 13 items in the 12 item line dipshit
First Event Committed to Memory: The time the Detroit Pistons and Indiana Pacers had that fight with all the fans
Generation Defining Moment: Getting knocked over by Sluggerrr the Lion at a Kansas City Royals game in 2008
Defining Members: None
Defining Art: Dumbshit blog site, Where Not to Crank That (YouTube, 2008), long teased album “Lunch Songs”
Rancid, disgusting fucker, don’t interact, if you must, you can calm him down with a handful full of candy corn and you have to play a Yaz cassette very softly if you wanna get anything out of this generation.
Timeframe: April 27th, 1995-2015
Also Known As: Those fucking kids with the Snapchats, the iGeneration, Generation Zed (Canada)
First Event Committed to Memory: When the Balloon Boy went up in the Balloon, the KONY 2012 video’s release, going up in the Balloon (Balloon Boy)
Generation Defining Moment: First win on Fortnite or something. Breaking a Snapstreak or something.
Defining Members: Jake Paul
Defining Art: The Drake/Ninja Stream, We Found a Dead Body in the Japanese Suicide Forest… (Logan Paul on YouTube), In My Feelings Challenge in The Japanese Suicide Forest (BraylynnnK on Instagram), 33-KILL STREAK on COD WII LIVE FROM THE JAPANESE SUICIDE FOREST (NidoKingKev on Twitch.tv)
We haven’t found a lot to blame on them yet, but don’t worry… It’s a comin’. My guess is they’ll kill either the Big Box Retail Electronics Store industry, the NFL Concussion Doctor industry, or the Sub-Machine Gun industry, whichever comes first.
Also Known As: The Ones who will watch the oceans boil, The Ones Probably Named After Anime Characters, The We Ran Out of Letters in the Alphabet Generation
First Event Committed to Memory: Blog Dipshit Has Breakdown, Strips Naked and Throws a Tantrum on the Field at the Rose Bowl during the 2026 World Cup
Defining Members: As of Yet Unknown
Defining Art: Spiderman and Pregnant Frozen Elsa fight Evil Janitor and Open Fidget Spinner Boxes at Trader Joe’s (Kids Channel 4 Fun Kidz Fidget Spinner Toys Candy Friends Nursery Rhyme Time, YouTube)
If we’re going to blame anything on anyone, it might as be these kids who know nothing yet and have yet to have anything placed on them. We have an incredibly easy job here, we have these babies who can’t defend themselves. We can put Every Fucking Blame Possible on them and they won’t have a thing to say back. The New Baby Generation has ruined:
The Economy, The Oceans, the Desert, the Nestlé Corporations Exploitation of Public Water Sources, the failure of the Minnesota Timberwolves to Compete Consistently Compete in the NBA, the 2028 election of Ken “XxXWhiteSupremacyXxXCheetara420” Elwes to the presidency, the 2032 election of Joe “Weird Head” Bush to the presidency, and Garth Brooks’ body falling out of the hears and rolling for thirty feet down I-40 just outside of Nashville. We have infinite time to think of more, too, so get thinkin’ and start blamin’.