These midterm elections that I made up are incredibly important for determining the future of our country.
Bunk Chudwurth (R) / Dave Michelob (D) – Rhode Island District 4
Key Issues: Roads, Definition of “Isledom”, Whether or not children should be allowed to take medicine
Chudwurth (37) is a lifelong Republican businessman who decided to get into politics the day after he saw a homeless man using a cell phone. Michelob (32) became a democrat during college to impress Jenny from Chi Omega at Clemson University in Clemson, South Carolina. Chudwurth’s chief campaign plan is to define what “bleeding” really means. Michelob’s campaign plan is to get some of that sweet Ted Lieu tweetin’ clout.
Kevin McRib (D) / Sally Kunklemayer (R) – California District 16
Chief Issues: Daylight Savings Time, Legalizing Codeine Again, Whether or not we really need to have a Fresno
Kunklemayer got her start in politics during a heated Facebook comment argument on the local CBS affiliate’s wall. McRib will be almost undeniably going to jail in December for breaking and entering at J. Cole’s tour bus in Oakland, California last June. Neither of them are supported by any other political officials. The only sponsorship of either by any publication was from Kohler Salesperson’s Monthly Newsletter, in support of Kunklemayer.
Torrence Kubble (D) / Richmond Virginia (R) / Will.I.Am (I) – Iowa Senate
Chief Issues: Fair Pricing between Normal and Double Stuft Oreos, Hospital Legalization, Mandating a Holding of the Nose Any Time the Phrase “Climate Change” is Uttered, Whether or Not Tonight’s Gonna Be a Good Good Night
Where’s Will.I.Am been? He’s been on the campaign trail in Des Moines! We don’t know why, yet, but he’s been pulling a strong campaign and if a very specific segment of the Iowa population shows out to vote, he’ll get a senate seat. Virginia, 55, was a longtime Guy Who Worked For the Government in Some Capacity But We’re Not Sure Exactly What He Does before running for the seat. Kubble, 98, decided to run for senate when he saw a pack of Newport Cigarettes in a bush outside of the diner where him and his friends used to meet up for breakfast before all of them died and falsely deduced it as a pack of “doobies”.
Cyber Ted Cruz (R) / Razor Ramon (D) – Kansas 4th District
Chief Issues: Hunger for Bones, Blood, Reinstatement of Chris Benoit into the WWE Hall of Fame
Oh God…. oh no, Oh God No, Cyber Ted has escaped and he’s got a credible campaign running and his opponent is the wrestler Razor Ramon, and I don’t mean Scott Hall, I mean the wrestler persona Razor Ramon, played by an unnamed actor. It’s like the Black Mirror episode where the guy plays the bear and goes into politics except it’s some rando from Cheney who WWE got to play Razor Ramon for the purpose of getting into the house of representatives. Cyber Ted feeds once per day on the flesh and blood of the innocent. Cyber Ted was to be contained in a tube in Fort Worth until his murderous tendencies subsided but it seems he’s escaped and has a rather sizeable following in the Wichita area, which, I mean, I guess if anywhere’s gonna eat up a flesh-eating robot it’ll be Wichita, so that checks out but for office? I don’t understand.
Regardless of for whom you vote – Democrat, Republican, Green, The Obelisk – it is important that you go to your polling place this weekend and cast a ballot writing in Ralph Nader somewhere. Voting is a civic duty, and it is your responsibility as a citizen to put Ralph Nader into office somewhere. So don’t whine, don’t boo, don’t get systematically divorced from the vote by your right-wing secretary of state’s campaign of voter suppression, and Rock the Vote!