The Rams. The Patriots. The Gridiron. Atlanta, Georgia, February 3rd, 2019. It’s the Big Game at the End of the Season. Big… Time… Football… That’s right… wait… get out of my post… no, NO!

HI EVERYONE AND WELCOME TO JOHN MADDEN’S JOE BUSH DOT NET SUPER BOWL PREVIEW

THIS YEAR’S PREVIEW FEATURES BOTH TEAMS IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, THE ST. LOUIS RAMS, AND THE OTHER TEAM. DUE TO BUDGET CUTS WE HAVE BEEN FORCED TO IMMENSELY SCALE DOWN THE SIMULATION TECHNOLOGY THIS YEAR, AND DUE TO ME SPENDING WHAT WAS LEFT OF THE BUDGET ON A SUBSTANTIAL TACO BELL ORDER, THE SIMULATION TECHNOLOGY WILL BE LIMITED TO SHAREWARE AVAILABLE ON ARCHIVE.ORG

NFL FOOTBALL ’94 (MS-DOS, 1994)

THIS SIMULATION DEPICTS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BILL BELICHICK SUDDENLY EITHER HAD A STROKE OR LOST THE ABILITY TO SPEAK AND THUS COULD NOT CALL PLAYS THROUGHOUT THE GAME BECAUSE JOE COULDN’T GET THE EMULATOR TO RECOGNIZE ANY OF HIS KEYBOARD INPUTS. THE PATRIOTS RACK UP DELAY OF GAME AFTER DELAY OF GAME, THE RAMS GET TIRED AND GO HOME

FINAL SCORE: RAMS 0 – PATRIOTS 0, PATRIOTS WIN OUT OF RAMS FORFEITURE

PRO LEAGUE FOOTBALL (MS-DOS, 1989)

THIS GAME POSITIVELY REFUSED TO RECOGNIZE EITHER THE RAMS OR PATRIOTS AS SOVEREIGN EXISTENCES. THIS SOFTWARE HAS A HUNGER FOR DISKS INSATIABLE BY HUMAN HANDS. ALSO I APOLOGIZE THAT THE SHITTY LAPTOP MICROPHONE PICKED UP EVERY SOUND FROM MY LOUD-ASS KEYBOARD. SORRY. THIS WILL BE A RECURRING THEME.

FINAL SCORE: Insert Disk that contains: Final Score

NFL ’95 (SEGA GAME GEAR, 1994)

THE BASTARD SON JOSEPH MONTANA’S SPAWN NFL ’95 FOR THE BASTARD COMPANY SERVICE GAMES’ BASTARD CONSOLE THE GAME GEAR IS AN UNHOLY ABOMINATION OF VIDEO GAME. HOWEVER I WAS ABLE TO CONTROL IT AND ALSO GET ON TO THE GRIDIRON, SOMETHING THAT I CANNOT SAY FOR ANY OF THE PRIOR SIMULATIONS UNDERGONE HERE. IMMEDIATELY THE RAMS TAKE THE OPENING KICKOFF BACK FOR THE TOUCHDOWN AS MY KEYBOARD SHRIEKS IN THE BACKGROUND. THIS EVENS THE OVERALL SIMULATION SCORE

FINAL SCORE: RAMS 7 – PATRIOTS 0

KEYBOARD COACH FANTASY FOOTBALL (MS-DOS, 1993)

YEAH WE DIDN’T EVEN GET PAST THE REALIZATION PHASE HERE, HEH HEH, BOOM! EVENTUALLY I GOT A SIMULACRUM OF WHAT A RAMS ROSTER MIGHT LOOK LIKE HERE:

THEN I PUT SOME PLAYERS ON THE PATRIOTS BADA BING BADA BOOM

AND BOOM! TOUGH ACTIN TINACTIN. THAT’S ALL WE HAVE HERE. PERHAPS IN RELEASE 1.06 THEY COULD MAKE THE TEAMS PLAY

FINAL SCORE: UNDETERMINABLE

HALF TIME SHOW

TIGER ELECTRONICS FOOTBALL (KONAMI LCD GAME, 1989)

DAMN I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THIS ONE. NOT A FAN OF THAT. LET’S PRETEND MY GUY’S THE RAMS GUY AND HE GOT SACKED SEVERAL TIMES, GIVE THAT BOY TO THE OTHER GUYS

FINAL SCORE: JARED GOFF SACKED SEVERAL TIMES, PATRIOTS WIN

MADDEN NFL FOOTBALL 95 (GAME GEAR, 1994)

YOU WANT BIG TIME FOOTBALL? THE HITS, THE BOOM, THE DOINK, THE WHAP? HUH, WELL HEY, IT’S ALL HERE! THIS IS MY GAME

THE RAMS RACE OUT TO AN EARLY TOUCHDOWN ON A PITCH AROUND THE OUTSIDE TO THE BUS JEROME BETTIS BEFORE I RECOGNIZE THAT THIS PIECE IS RUNNING LONG AND I MOVE ON TO THE NEXT GAME

FINAL VERDICT: RAMS 7 PATRIOTS 0

NFL 1993 (MS-DOS, 1993)

THIS IS MY FAVORITE OF THE BUNCH, I GIVE IT THE TEAMS, IT GIVES ME THE SCORES, BOOM!, WE GOT A SEGMENT DONE.

FINAL SCORE: LA RAMS 26 @ NEW ENGLAND 18

NFL FOOTBALL (COMMODORE 64)

INCORRECT SELECTION!
INCORRECT SELECTION!
INCORRECT SELECTION!
INCORRECT SELECTION!
INCORRECT SELECTION!
INCORRECT SELECTION!
INCORRECT SELECTION!
INCORRECT SELECTION!
INCORRECT SELECTION!
INCORRECT SELECTION!
INCORRECT SELECTION!
INCORRECT SELECTION!
INCORRECT SELECTION!
INCORRECT SELECTION!

FINAL SCORE: INCORRECT SELECTION!

FINAL VERDICT:

WELL FOLKS, LOOKS LIKE IN THE GAMES WHICH COULD ACTUALLY REACH WHAT COULD BE CALLED AN ERSATZ SORT OF FOOTBALL, WE REACHED AN OVERALL SERIES RECORD IN FAVOR OF THE LOS ANGELES RAMS, WHO WRESTLED THREE WINS OUT OF THE MANGLED CORPSE OF AMERICA’S GAME TO THE PATRIOTS’ TWO.

THIS SUNDAY KEEP ME, THE SPIRIT OF JOHN MADDEN, SOMEWHERE WITHIN YOUR HEART AS YOU DOWN TWO TO THREE LIGHT BEERS AND HAVE THAT VELVEETA/ROTEL MONSTROSITY THICKENING UP YOUR BLOOD. PLEASE PURCHASE THE PRODUCTS ADVERTISED. BOOM!

immense thanks to johnathan madden for his contribution to the 2019 super bowl preview. you may thank me for bringing him back on facebook, twitter, and compensate me for the laughs we had along the way on kofi