Hundreds killed in cold blood by a series of calculated blunders in the name of low-cost car insurance. Justice, finally, will be served.
Tonight, a nation – Nay, a world, comes together in rejoicement as one of history’s most evil imperialists faces the punishment that many believed he was too powerful to receive. A tribunal at the International Criminal Court has convicted The General, the guy from the General Insurance commercials, to death for the countless war crimes committed during his reign as General.
This crimes include but are not limited to:
- Setting fire to a bus for no reason
- Instructing a platoon of troops to march off of a cliff in a drill he calls “real Lemmings”
- Coming on ESPN2 in the middle of Around the Horn to tell me to buy insurance
- Installing a series of illegal Fuddruckers restaurants in several cities across Eastern Europe because he “hankered”, staffing them entirely with child labor
- Setting fire to a bus for quite frankly poor reasons
- The Secret “Bay of Pigs II” and “Bay of Pigs III” Operations, which ended predictably
- “Grenade Golf”, a sport where he played Golf with Grenades
- Installation of several paramilitary death squads in literally every single country he feasibly could’ve installed paramilitary death squads in, including Canada
- Befriending Shaquille O’Neal and filling his head with ridiculous ideas like that him and Kobe couldn’t coexist on the early-aughts Lakers thus dissolving one of the best dynasties in NBA history
- Attacking San Diego-based website dipshit with a shovel outside of a Whole Foods
- Series of *generally expected American imperialist actions we wouldn’t normally prosecute for but in this case they’ll just go with the others* stapled to the back of the report
- Aggressive and Petty Shoplifting
- Quite frankly offensive “For a Great Low Rate on Quelling Populist Insurgencies with the Long and Powerful Arm of the United States Military You Can Get Online, Go to the General and Save Some Time” ads run on the Discovery Channel twice per commercial break
The death penalty was not so much of a surprise, judging by the fact that most people were kinda sick of the guy anyway. The world may miss getting the great low rates, and they will absolutely miss getting them online, but we are entering a better era with the General dead and in the ground. May he Rest in Hell.