PLEASE understand that it is NOT OKAY to pelt me with baseballs today NO MATTER WHAT YOU MAY HAVE HEARD
Alright. ALRIGHT. I know what you’ve heard. I know what the calendars say and everything, I know what the papers have said, I know what your friends have told you, that today is Pelt Joe With Baseballs Day. I want to make the clarification – and I need to make it succinctly and clearly and quickly – that Pelt Joe With Baseballs Day has been CANCELLED. It will not be happening today. If you pelt me with baseballs, then you will be breaking the rules. Were it Pelt Joe With Baseballs Day, you would not be breaking the rules, but it is not. and I want to make it clear that it is not
It is not Pelt Joe With Baseballs Day. I understand what day you thought it was, but it is just not that day. Again, today is not the day to Pelt Joe With Baseballs. If you are to pelt me with baseballs, I will be frustrated, and in pain, but more importantly you will be in the wrong. You will be breaking the rules if you pelt me with baseballs today.
I understand that you woke up excited. You woke up excited because today you were given the right to pelt the living shit out of me with baseballs until my ribs crack, my face is bruised, and I crumple to the ground in a heap. But by all means, please, if you take anything away from reading my posts today, that you are not allowed to pelt me with baseballs today.
Were today Pelt Joe With Baseballs Day, then you would be well within your right to pelt me with baseballs until I can no longer feel my skin and can no longer remember peace. But for the love of God, if there is one in heaven, please take this to heart. Please read it out loud to yourself so that you truly understand this: Pelt Joe With Baseballs Day is Cancelled.
Look. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand that this is short notice – If I understand nothing else it is that I have a very short period of time to let as many people as possible know that it is not okay to Pelt Joe With Baseballs today. Please, please bear with me. If I walk out of my apartment today and I’m pelted with baseballs, it will be you who is in the wrong, but it is me who bears the burden of informing the public. I understand my charge. Please bear with me.
And, once again, Please Don’t Pelt Me With Baseballs