We know most of their names. Kamala. Bernie. Warren. Beto. The Indiana Guy. But do you know how deep the 2020 DNC candidate rabbit hole goes?

I will never forgive myself for paying attention to the news at this point in the year. In the coming years, I will be walking a dog, or I will be in a Virtual Reality CVS Pharmacy, or I will be pulling off to a vintage VHS copy of Deep Throat, and from somewhere in the depths of my brain I’ll feel a whisper…

“Julian Castro…”

Then I’ll think to myself – Who is or was Julian Castro? I know I’ve heard that name before… Did he play for the Mavericks for a while or… no… wait, that’s right. 2020 Dem Primary, he ran on like… I think he was the free preschool guy? Or was he the one who ate salad with a comb on a plane? And that will throw a slight wrinkle into my night, and then I will go back to whatever I was doing.

There are 232 people currently registered with the Federal Elections Commission as presidential candidates on the Democratic Party ticket for 2020. By comparison, there were only 64 registered in 2008, the last election where the dems didn’t have an incumbent. What it was that spiked this immense rise in candidacy, we may never know. Perhaps the internet gave us the necessary narcissistic stepping stones to reach the ultimate peak of thinking you should be president. Perhaps seeing the guy from Real Estate Tycoon on the Nokia N-Gage win the presidency inspired us all to reach for the stars! Maybe it’s just too easy to file for presidential candidacy.

But my point is this: Most of us know a couple of frontrunners. Some of us even know a few bubbling underneath that top crust, waiting to break through! Some of us might even know who John Hickenlooper is. But beneath that layer lay a cavalcade of grandeur-delusion the likes of which our democracy has rarely before seen. It would positively break the brains of any rational person who tried to sift through these no-shot nobodies without a chance in the world of sitting in the oval office. It is not your responsibility to put yourself through that.

I, however, have a domain name, a few hours to kill, and severe writer’s block. So let’s dive in!

MIKE GRAVEL –

It is entirely possible, if you’re my grandfather, that you have heard of Mike Gravel. My man is eighty-eight years old, last held significant political office in 1981, and dropped out of the 2008 race within a few months. Gravel has rocketed to pseudo-popularity because his Twitter account is run by some thoroughly irony-soaked twenty-somethings. For the most part, it seems that the Gravelanche is based in a relatively pragmatic ideal of getting significant anti-interventionism into Democratic party discourse. Considering that there is, effectively, one other candidate even discussing that as a part of their plan, I understand why he’s in there. I love the idea of a ninety-year-old man as president, for what it’s worth.

SETH MOULTON –

I am considering throwing my support behind Seth Moulton simply because of what I like to call Blair’s Law – Politicians whose names are significantly incongruent to the power they wield deserve consideration. This law is named for the fact that a guy named Tony, which is the name of a man who works at a pizzeria, was the most powerful man in the United Kingdom for a significant chunk of my life.

Seth was the kid who was incredibly good at Rainbow Six: Vegas on XBOX Live back in junior high but since he was the only friend you had who owned a copy of Rainbow Six: Vegas, it was kind of a futile skill, also he drank liter-sized bottles of Mountain Dew throughout the day in school, also he wore the fact that his mom didn’t make him shower as a badge of honor. America, right now, is not ready for a Seth President. But perhaps we should be.

Moulton is, to my knowledge, the only candidate currently holding federal office who has made statehood for D.C. and Puerto Rico a priority in his campaign. While I support this aspect, I don’t think he’s gettin’ past the name bit quite yet. Apologies to Seth.

ROBBY WELLS –

Robby Wells is only partially aided by Blair’s Law. I think a president Robby would be funny, but we have had both a president Teddy and a president Jimmy in our nation’s great history, so I don’t think a Robby will actually be that big of a leap.

Robby Wells was the head coach of the Savannah State Tigers for two seasons in 2008 and 2009, during which his teams went 7-15, missing the postseason both years. His teams ran the Smashmouth Attack, which is both an offensive strategy in football and the way that I would rudely wake up my roommates at 2:30 in the morning after they left dishes in the sink for another day.

The pillar, the cornerstone, of Robby Wells’ campaign is an economic strategy he refers to as “Eaglenomics”, which he describes on his campaign website:

KEN NWADIKE JR. –

Free Hugs guy. You remember him. He’s based in San Diego so I suppose I could go volunteer for him or something but I don’t think it’s in the cards for him unfortunately. Seems like a nice guy. There are some significant extra points scored as his website clearly was made on the Wix premium plan. However, unfortunately, I just do not forsee the Free Hugs Campaign going nationwide.

KWAME “MAYOR” BOATENG –

I’ve just been going from the presidential candidates list from politics1.com for my research here. Every major candidate has a link to their campaign page. Some of the low-tier people have links to their personal website or something of the sort. My man Kwame here links to his personal facebook page, which lists his education, his current residence in LA, a link to a website that doesn’t exist, and three identical photos of himself. I will be voting for Kwame.

Hey y’all. It’s real Joe now, breaking kayfabe to speak frankly about next year’s election. It’s gonna be a while, there’s a lot of muck and garbage to wade through, and we’re gonna eventually have to get there. Until then, don’t be weird about it! The election cycle is lengthy, frustrating, uncertain, and we don’t always get where we need to get! So remember what I tell ya – Stay informed, be mindful of rhetoric, and if you don’t vote for Tulsi Gabbard you’re a coward.

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