Years and years of practical jokes have made us a laughingstock. But we’ll take it no longer.
Wallet inspectors. Hammer Glaziers. Headlight Fluid Salesmen. Snipe Hunters. Professional 52 Pickup Players. We are, in a way, kindred spirits. People of honorable vocation with genuine lives whose reputations have been unfairly ruined by legions of mischievants and practical jokers. I am sick of the damage that these infractions have committed to the thousands of brave, honest wallet inspectors in this great nation.
Each time that I open up a wallet to inspect it, I’m taking the health and safety of that person into my consideration, and I use my trained eye, delicate sense of touch, and innate understanding of wallet construction to better the lives of those whose wallets need inspection in the worst ways.
I’ve seen some positively sorry wallets in my day. Tattered. Worn leather. Made of duct tape with like a printed JPEG of a Digimon on the outside face. And I’ve inspected them all, giving honest, clear advice. I am a man of integrity. I am a wallet inspector.
But, quite often, when I introduce myself as the wallet inspector, and I offer my services to someone I meet on the street, they recoil. They treat me as if I’m some sort of criminal, simply waiting for a gullible mark to hand me their wallet before I run away, several dollars and a Smoothie King punch card richer. I understand the hesitation on their part. It’s neither their fault nor mine that they were, at one point, preyed upon by some phony wallet inspector. I simply hope that my genuine nature can shine through and that I can run my fingers through the black leather and treated plastic of a well-used, well-loved personal portfolio.
I do this because I love it and because I care. I don’t take money from patrons – I’m subsidized and have been subsidized by the government of Massachusetts since 1998, I make $450,000 per year from this work. But money’s hardly an object to me. I inspect wallets because I love it, not because I’m greedy, or sneaky, or anything of the sort.
I’m not a thief, I’m not a grifter, I’m a wallet inspector. And maybe it’s time that the world respects us again.
Also if you’re in the “Money Clip” industry, eat shit, fuck off, you piece of shit, you suck ass and your little clips will NEVER replace the humble wallet. Wallets have been around for HUNDREDS, nay, THOUSANDS of years, and your little clip? Not even close. Wallets have been around since the merger of Himera and Thermae. Your little clips have been around since the merger of Hammacher Schlemmer and SkyMall. You go to fucking hell, money clip shitheads, and try to hold more than 6 cards and four bills on your person when you meet Satan.