Everybody’s got their overwrought plans makin’ noise nowadays, why don’t I throw my hat in the ol’ ring too?
Yesterday, California Senator Kamala Harris, who is one of the fifty-some Democratic Party Presidential Candidates, tweeted out a brief description of her plan to diminish student loan debt, which would go into action if the citizens of Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Florida decide to elect her president of the United States in 2020.
That is a program which, at a glance, requires four different qualifiers before any debt gets forgiven for anybody. This is one of the issues with following modern politics in an age of alienation, the whole thing seems to be made up of a bunch of probably pragmatic programs and plans which ultimately end up actually helping very few people in very few ways.
So if overwrought programs and ultimately very few people getting helped with student loan debt is the way to break into the big leagues in major American politics, then let’s get pragmatic baby!
Assuming I become president in 2020 (notice I said assuming, not if, nor when, because I don’t want to sound arrogant), I will institute a lengthy and ineffective program which may, coincidentally, end up with somebody getting their debt partially forgiven. Under my presidency, I’ll establish a student loan debt forgiveness program for former multi-time Employees of the Month at a major department store chain (these include Target, Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Dillards, and JCPenney provided the awards were earned between the years of 2003 and 2017) with combined Uber/Lyft star ratings above 9.3 who have received a minimum of $3000 USD (not adjusted for inflation) from jobs where they had to wear a matching hat and apron (this does not include potential instances of matching hat and apron situations at the aforementioned major department store chains) who have filled out the appropriate forms (A2, A6, B17, 44-J Parts A, C, and D, the 6-6-1K, A7, Ws 1-17, Ws 19-28, Club Penguin Membership Registration) before spending at least three years selling bootleg DVDs to midshipmen at the pier OR spending at least four years exclusively shagging golf balls at Top Golf OR spending at least two years jizzmopping at a Bush campaign-approved adult video store booth (approved stores will be listed on the website in the near future, store owners may tweet at me to inquire) OR who have built with their bare hands out of oakwood a cabin in the middle of an impoverished section of a midwestern exurb (Gary, Youngstown, Rockford, one of those) and have sold at least $300,000 worth of handmade wooden bird statuettes from said Oak cabin (offer void if cabin made with any other type of wood). This program will forgive up to $400 of college loan debt, subject to my (and only my) discretion.
This program is intended to demotivate potential voters and firmly stamp into place the very real fact that no better world is possible and everything will either stay the way it is or get somewhat worse over the course of the forseeable future. Vote for me.
Uhghhh who fuckin knows man what a bleak, hopeless country we just gotta live in for whatever reason. Every day gotta deal with the reality that things will never get better and like, go to work and whatever. I do not understand why there are people who base like, their whole identity on love for the idea of this stagnant corpse of a place. Anyway hit me up on social media I guess, Twitter / Facebook / Ko-Fi