In I surf atop the bad take bus. You will get no RTs, no Replies, no Quote Tweets. It’s simply me and my bad opinions right here

You can’t go a day on Twitter without seeing somebody fish for quote tweets with a post like “Controversial Opinions: Liquor Edition… GO!” or “RT if  You Think the Homeless Should Just Buy a Damn House” It’s an unbelievably annoying phenomenon meant to draw out the most frustrating responses possible. It’s meant to create immediate responses through surface-level ‘controversial’ statements. 100% of the time, genuine responses are either unbelievably basic or unbelievably bigoted. It’s either like “White wine is flavorless!” or “Italian People Should Be Drowned”

To be fair, this is not a new phenomenon. “Controversial opinions” threads have been around since online discourse has been around. I found usenet threads soliciting “your unpopular opinions” dating as early as 2000, and I’m sure there are others from even earlier. I’ve been telling people my unpopular opinions since I pretended to be 12 years old to get a GameFAQs account.

But no longer. I know people are thirsty for quote tweets and push notifications to get those little hits of dopamine but I will no longer participate in this charade. From now on, my controversial opinions are all right here. I will never again respond to a tweet that begins with the words “RT with” or ends with the word “Go!”. You will have to come here to see any controversial opinions of mine, and that is final. So, here they are:

• There should be a second baseball league where you’re allowed to take steroids
• Diet Mountain Dew is fine, good even
• Nobody’s gotta go to space anymore. With all the telescopes I think we’ve seen all that space has to offer and while some stuff looks cool there’s probably not all that much to do (amusement parks, arcade/fast-casual restaurant combos, et cetera0
• People need to quit with hats
• Snapple is good and there should be more flavors generally available
• Gas stations that aren’t shitty (like they have nice floors and clean bathrooms) are not nearly as cool as ones that aren’t shitty
• NASCAR is fine
• Really no point in arguing about low/mid-tier food types like barbecue, fast food, pizza, etc, they’re all like seven out of ten at the best and five out of ten at the worst, generally your cultural upbringing defines what you like in that realm anyway
• Most beer is good
• Tails from Sonic absolutely would have two penises
• Michael Dyer was down in the 2011 BCS National Championship game
• Having a blog that is my name is not narcissism, it’s just a tool in creating a portfolio
• Here are words that I hate: “Grab”, “Asshole”, “Freaking” (unless in scamming the phone company context), “Awesome”, “Content” (in the context of web-based discursive artifacts, not in the “I feel content” context), “Hot Take” (or any variation on that)
• Doesn’t seem right that corn should travel through the digestive tract like that
• Taco Bell is fine, Del Taco is slightly better but Taco Bell is fine
• American football should adopt the rouge
• I do not respect you any more for repeatedly stating that Die Hard is a Christmas movie
• Golf as a tool of class division is a problem but Golf as a sport is good and if it were turned into a public resource akin to public parks I think I would support it
• High school literary curriculums should probably include a few more modern literary texts from authors outside of the established literary canon but it’d be a disservice to students to completely disregard great writers of the past in favor of purely modern writers. I think if you chunk a curriculum up by era (a couple from pre-20th century, one from the early 20th, one or two from the late 20th, and a couple from 2000-on), you’d be good. Like I’d start with Richardson’s Pamela, then Macbeth and A Winter’s Tale, then Wuthering Heights, then Mrs. Dalloway, Beloved, Slaughterhouse Five, White Teeth, A Visit From the Goon Squad, and The Underground Railroad probably. I realize all of that is fiction and I’m out of my depth there with regards to how much time there is in the average high school semester to cover all that so it’d probably need to be pared down but there must be a way to cover both the modern and the past
• They gotta put Coast body wash in more stores
• NWSL is too good of a product to keep selling as if it should be supported out of obligation or charity. The new Budweiser ads are supposed to be different but rhetorically I don’t see enough of a difference, it’s just for a corporate audience instead of a viewing audience. I know it’s not this simple but I think if regional franchises sold their teams with dignity and genuine support befitting a top division in global soccer, they’d see returns
• Funko Pops got weird eyes
• Joe Bush is cool, attractive, and beloved by all

So there you go. In lieu of quote-tweeting anybody, I’m just gonna point you to this post from now on, and you will have to deal with it.

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