My services are free, I only want to make this a better country. Here are some potential ideals for the ever-thinning 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidate pool

Before this column begins, I would like to apologize to my senator for torpedoing her presidential campaign with my post back in July. In retrospect, that was about the time when the Harris train began to slow, and though I take no joy in doing so, I would like to take full credit for making the post which was the turning point that sent Harris from front-runner to retiree.

Dr. Pepper Can Student Loan Forgiveness Plan

What’s everybody’s favorite fall spectacle? That’s right – The Big XII Championship Game Dr. Pepper Can Toss for College Tuition. Everybody loves this event, it’s both entertaining and normal, and its existence is indicative of a healthy and still very normal society. During this event, two soon-to-be college students compete to see who can throw the most footballs in a big Dr. Pepper can. The winner takes home $100,000 in tuition money, and the loser gets a sizeable chunk as well, I’ve heard $25,000, which is good because the Dr. Pepper/Snapple Group certainly cannot afford to pay $100,000 to both of them. Dudes online get mad at anybody who throws from the chest.

Anyway, this seems like as efficient and effective of a use of the Pepper family’s millions as anything could be. My proposal is to expand this competition into a wider, stratified contest built upon a series of halftime Dr Pepper can toss challenges. Think of it like the spelling bee system. We start small at the municipal level, perhaps you have to write an essay and send in a video à la The Real World in order to qualify for the local Dr. Pepper can toss, which takes place during halftime at a high school football game. Losers at the municipal challenge go home with like 40 bucks in tuition money, and maybe four lucky winners move on up the bracket. I think it would lay out like this

Tier 2 – Regional Championship – Halftime of an NAIA or NCAA Division II football game, losers get $100 in tuition, free 2-Liter

Tier 3 – Super-Regional Championship – Halftime of a game between good G5 schools (think like Western Michigan vs Central Michigan), losers get $500 in tuition

Tier 4 – State-Wide Championship – Halftime of a pivotal conference game between P5 programs (think like Oregon/Stanford), losers get $5,000 in tuition, promotional hat you can put the cans in and drink from

Tier 5 – Conference Championship – Halftime of every major conference championship game, losers get like $20,000 in tuition

Tier 6 – National Championship – Halftime of College Football Playoff Final. All Conference Winners Compete at once, winner gets all student loan debt fully forgiven, others are given $100,000 in tuition money and a signed photo of “Lil’ Sweet”

This is the perfect response to the student debt crisis! Some people get their loans paid (provided they can throw footballs into a can efficiently and accurately) and the rest of the country gets to watch teenagers fail to throw footballs into big Dr Pepper cans.

Introduction of “Whammys” into bail plans for non-violent offenses

Quietly, the collection of bail in response to non-violent crime is a common American issue. People are starting to interpret that “paying money” as a punishment effectively means that, for the wealthy, certain crimes are more-or-less fine to commit. To a man with a high net worth, $500 in bail payment for a DUI is much different than it would be to a man who earns $500 over two weeks of work. It makes sense to wonder, what’s the point of a punishment that only really punishes the poor?

Rather than fixing the problem at its root and eliminating bail payments, I’m suggesting that people get a chance at, maybe, not having to pay. And I believe the most efficient way to accomplish this is to institute a big ol’ “Press Your Luck” button and wheel at the police station. Upon being taken into the station, offenders for misdemeanors will get the chance to “Press Their Luck”. In this case, the common refrain of “Big Bucks, No Whammys!” is flipped on its head, as Whammys will ‘eat’ the offender’s bail payment. Though this might not solve the whole problem, I at least think this plan could add just a little bit of fun to the “getting jailed for possession of a half gram of cannabis” process.

Re-Legalize Quaaludes

No-brainer. Fuck ’em up, throw a wrench in the system, what honestly could go wrong?

$1,001 Per Month

That Yang guy’s got a whole plan at his fingertips, and while I respect the idea of me receiving 1,000 dollars per month, I respect the idea of me receiving 1,001 dollars significantly more. If you’re trying to knock Yang off his lofty perch atop the polls, this is a foolproof way to do so.

The Lottery 2

Alright, so the Lottery’s a big deal, and it makes a bunch of money, and everybody loves it. But what it we could not only improve, but expand it? That’s right: The Lottery 2, the sequel to The Lottery. That’s double the jackpots, baby! Plus we could do some lottery industry disruption through new tech stuff, like apps, or VR, or that camera that everyone has on their doorbell now.

Point Out That Donald Drumpf Looks Like a Freakin’ Cheeto

The guy looks like a freakin’ Cheeto! Like a damn cheeto!! What the heck

He looks like a freakin cheeto. He looks like a god damned cheeto! Like the damned Cheetos snacks! ANyway, please follow the Tweet Hole and the Post Hole and support me on Ko-Fi