The Royals, of Kansas City, our dearly beloved baseball club, have decided to begin once again losing most if not all of their games that they play anymore. This, I feel, was a grave mistake, as most, if not all, of the fans of this team vastly preferred it back earlier in the year when they seemed to win most, if not all, of the games they played against other teams. The Royals need to get back on track, and I have written up a Six-Step blueprint to success that they could follow for premier excitement to return to the famous “diamond” and joy to fill the hearts and lungs of Kansas City’s most ardent supporters.

I am simply unable to tell this man’s emotions. But I understand them

STEP 1: Win the Games

The biggest issue with the losing streak has been the Royals’ inability to win the games in which they play. Constantly it seems that the other team wins, while the Royals lose. Ideally, this situation is flipped on its head, with the Royals deciding to win and the other team deciding to lose. While it is not lost on me that the other team likely desires to win, as I feel that I would like the Royals to win and it is through empathy that we learn and so I have put myself in the proverbial shoes – or, if I should prove so daring, the proverbial “White Sox” –  of supporters of the other baseball teams of the American League Central, and I have determined that they likely want the same as I do. However, it seems that, in baseball, one team always wins and the other always loses, save for in the case of the 2002 All-Star Game. Therefore a decision or negotiation must be made so that the Royals can win more of the games in which they play, because it is getting ridiculous that they have chosen to lose so many in a row and in such a fashion as this.

STEP 2: Stop the Other Teams from Winning the Games

I can see the position of a man with the ball upon the “mound” in the center of the famous “diamond”. As he throws the aforementioned ball, the man at the bottom of the famous “diamond” at the “plate” is tasked with hitting the aforementioned ball thrown by the aforementioned man on the “mound” at the center of the famous “diamond”. This man takes many names – Danny Duffy, Brad Keller, Daniel Lynch, Michael “Mike” Maynor, Brady Singer, Scott Barlow, Jake Brentz, Kris Bubic, Wade Davis, Greg Holland, Jakob Junis, Ervin Santana, Josh Staumont, or, in some cases, Tyler Zuber – but most refer to this rotating cast of men as “The Pitcher.” The job of “The Pitcher,” from what I can tell, is to throw the ball at the man at the bottom of the diamond, the name for whom has not yet been decided upon, and force him to swing with his bat either inaccurately or at the wrong time.

The obvious thing to consider here – and quite frankly I am confused at the competence of both management and players if they had not thought of this before – is to not let the guy hit the ball. The decision to allow the other man (it really would help if this position, the man in possession of the bat at the bottom of the famous “diamond” were named something) to make contact with the ball thrown is just detrimental to the end goal of baseball. I, of course, know the end goal of baseball but I am so confident in my knowledge of what the end goal of baseball is that I will not speak on what the end goal of baseball is, as really it is so obvious that you should know it and not need me to tell it to you – though rest assured I know exactly what the end goal of baseball is.

STEP 3: Use the Big Lion Man

Pictured: The Big Lion Man

I have seen this man so many times – an abomination frankly to my Christian eyes – in the uniform of the Royals, in attendance at the exhibitions of the Royals, cajoling and jaunting around with the plentiful supporters of the Royals. Not a once, however, have I seen him at the famous “plate” at the bottom of the famous “diamond” holding the bat taking the role of the aforementioned unnamed position. This, I feel, is an error. He appears very strong. I do not see why this Big Lion Man is never used.

STEP 4: GET OUT OF THE BALLY CONTRACT

What fucking channel are you on? Smoke Signals? The UHF Band? Quibi? Every day I wake up and I shout “ROYALS! ROYALS! ROYALS!” into my Roku remote like Gary Busey did on the TV commercials and I get absolutely nothing. It is getting ridiculous. Now I have to go through the process of Astral Projection in order to even see the games, and I always end up Astral Projecting into the seat that’s behind the damn pole! (My Astral Projectors out there know about the pole! You gotta hate getting stuck behind the pole when you’re just trying to watch the Beloved Royals)

STEP 5: Nicky Lopez

Nicky Lopez

STEP 6: Continue at this Pace For Henceforth

Frankly, the way that I see this, it is just stupid to continue to lose games. If they keep losing the games then they will miss the playoffs, which means they will not win the World’s Series, which is the series for the whole World, so in my eyes it only makes sense to win most of your games, and then reach the playoffs, and then win all of those games, so that you can win the World’s Series, which is the series for the whole World. The Royals will rue this decision to continue losing so many games all the time if they keep it up.