It’s too big for him. He’ll get sick. It’s too big. Why did you make him such a big one

Look at it on his plate. It’s like as big as he is. If he ate the whole thing it’d kill him. He’d die. He’d be more burrito than lizard. His little heart and stomach couldn’t take it. He’d look like jerry the mouse after he ate a cheese.

Except he’d be a gecko with most of his body occupied by burrito. Not to mention a lot of chips on the plate, some of which he’s eating right then in the ad. It’s all he eats in the ad. He never bites out of the burrito. Jerry would’ve died from the cheese too if it was real life but Jerry is a cartoon mouse. The Geico lizard is not a cartoon. He is literally a cartoon but he is not treated like a cartoon. This nice if not comically oblivious yuppie couple treats him at least like a real world talking lizard, if not like a person entirely judging by the fact that they didn’t

I think the important question, really, is this: Is this cognizant characterization on the work of the writers or is this a commercial that has been driving me insane because they play it during soccer and basketball? Because there is some characterization effort put in here – Mainly that they position the hot sauce on the side of the table occupied by the wife (I say wife but I don’t want to assume anything. There’s a ring on her right hand but it’s on the middle finger and wedding rings are normally on the left ring finger, I think. I don’t know. Women who read this site and know which finger a ring for marriage goes on please tell me. I should be hit with a tennis racket repeatedly for noticing that, though. You should respect me less because I thought to notice that.) and we learn later on in the ad that she likes hot sauce and he doesn’t, so it is only natural for the hot sauce to be positioned near her.

They act completely oblivious to the lizard’s metaphor comparing burritos to insurance. They can’t agree whether they were speaking metaphorically or literally about burritos or insurance. It’s possible that they are so oblivious to the world around them that they don’t even think about how the lizard they treat as a man also can’t eat the food of a man. Granted, they live both in a world with a talking lizard and a talking lizard who you have to apparently meet with in order to be convinced to get insurance for their nice house with their patio where they eat burritos outside in the mid morning, and I suppose I also accept the premise of the talking lizard myself given that I didn’t immediately mention that. That feels like a bridge too far. A lizard that talks is not that ridiculous of an idea, you know, just like some different brain chemistry probably. Some birds can understand language, right? It’s not that unbelievably ridiculous to teach a lizard with the right brain wiring to understand language how to speak a language. It is unbelievably ridiculous, not to mention cruel, to make him use his gift of speech to sell insurance, I should say that.

But an animal eating something larger than them? That is a bridge too far. Especially a lizard. Especially an insurance lizard.  The language stuff is brain stuff, but overcoming the body stuff is so much more difficult. I cannot suspend that disbelief. I suppose it’s possible that they were in a rush, or that they’d been told somebody from the insurance company was coming to talk to them about their insurance and so they made food for three people and a little lizard man showed up and they still had the food and they were like “oh no sorry lizard just eat what you can of this, we thought you’d be a man because every other company we’ve ever talked to was comprised of people and not a talking lizard so it was only logical that we made the whole breakfast the size of a normal person’s breakfast.”

They have that big bowl of cut fruit on the table too… Did they cut all that fruit themselves? Did one of them cut the fruit up and put it in the bowl? That’s a lot of fruit that hasn’t even been touched at this point, probably early in the meal judging by how both of them have taken at most one or two bites out of their respective burritos at the time that the lizard begins making metaphors they don’t understand.  Are they gonna be able to finish all that fruit? Maybe three people would, but two and a lizard? I don’t know. I doubt it. Maybe this couple absolutely loves fruit though and the sense of finishing off a huge bowl of fruit like that is no question whatsoever. This, I think lends creedence to either leading theory here –

Theory 1: Oblivious Couple Theory – Burrito size is explained by them being so oblivious to the world around them that they figure a lizard can eat as big a burrito as a man, which is just not the case.  General obliviousness extends to their inability to recognize the insurance/burrito metaphor as a metaphor, specific food portion obliviousness explains why they put so much fruit (and chips, though the lizard does eat a chip during the spot so I don’t know that we can assume he wouldn’t eat his fair share of chips) on the table

Theory 2: Couple Caught Off Guard By Talking Lizard Theory – This relies on the idea that you wouldn’t naturally expect to talk to a lizard. I imagine that, the night before this happened, one of them coming home after work and said “we’re talking with someone from Geico tomorrow morning,” they both naturally assumed that Geico would send a person, and they prepared likewise, the burritos, the fruit, et cetera, they were both very excited because both of them with their high paying jobs could afford this nice house with the outdoor porch in a place where they don’t have bugs so they can eat outside but since they’re always at work they can’t have many people over so they really go more all-out to treat this insurance person to a nice breakfast than you otherwise would, then the next morning a British lizard shows up and they both act like nothing’s wrong until the lizard like excuses himself to use their bathroom and they’re like “FUCK WHAT DO WE DO! SHIT! FUCK! WE MADE SO MUCH FRUIT” and they have to calm each other down and be like “WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS WE JUST HAVE TO ACT NATURALLY” so they both are quite rattled and just try to carry any conversation thread they can to make it sound like they’re natural normal people dealing with a lizard in a normal scenario so they end up naming burrito components.

I think the second theory is more likely just because the illogic required for the first theory to progress would probably disqualify them from jobs that would pay for a house like this. I am speculating too much. I don’t know what this couple’s life is, or that they’re even a romantic couple in that sense. Doesn’t matter. I’m too far in. At least they treat the lizard with respect. They do talk to him as if he’s a man, which, for some reason, I’m grateful for.

By the way, that guy’s life is probably just great, the little lizard. Like, if he really truly loves telling people about insurance then he is living his damn dream. That seems to be all he does, and if that really is all he does, and if he really likes it, then I’m happy for him. I want a life like that, personally, where I feel like I’m doing something good, something I care about. If that involves being served burritos that, were I to finish them, would kill me, then… so be it.

So be it.

I want to make clear that this post is by no means, not even subliminally, not even unintentionally, intended to get you to think about having Geico as your car insurance. I already have Geico so I’m immune and you should know not to listen to me on recommendations for any products at all by now.