For those who are unaware, the Mandela Effect is the idea that certain memories can be “misremembered” by a large group of people. I’ll try to explain it but this person does a better job. The name comes from the fact that a lot of people remember Nelson Mandela dying in prison in the early ’90s, I think, and you’ll see it manifest whenever someone asks you to spell the name of the fictional family of bears that had all the adventures in the ’70s and ’80s. (It’s actually “Berenstain” though many are inclined to write “Bearenstein” or “Berenstein” or “the ones from Country Bear Jamboree”).

Many assume this is due to dimensional jumping, where you jump from one reality to another. I remember that Chick-Fil-A was spelled differently because I actually come from a different timeline where it was spelled that way, definitely not because I don’t put effort into knowing exactly the spelling of the name of a chain chicken restaurant.

The Mandela Effect has ruined my life within the past week. At the beginning of last week, I was in a timeline where I was generally highly skilled and was a suave and adored individual that a lot of people liked and when I walked into a CVS Pharmacy they didn’t laugh at the fact that I had to buy seventeen individual cans of Arizona “Arnold Palmer” iced tea for research. (In my former Mandela Effect timeline, I remember said drink being named after Tennis Legend Bjorn Borg). Here are a list of the major memories that have shifted since the last week.

1. I did NOT get kicked out of a party for smashing a vase, yelling obscenities, and trying to steal a VHS copy of Michael Moore’s “Bowling for Columbine” from my friend Greg’s house.

I would appreciate it if Greg would talk to me again. I definitely do not have said VHS copy of the film and I have no memory of the event. I have tried many times to jump back into my own dimension to repair these issues. Greg said I picked up the vase, yelled “This is what I’d do to that darn Captain Hook!” and smashed it on the ground during a particularly heated discussion of the Robin Williams film “Hook”. According to him and to four other people at the party but not me because that was a different dimension, I tried for 20 minutes to shove the VHS tape into my back pocket. Upon confrontation, I ran out and threw the VHS tape at Greg’s dad. I refuse to pay for these because, as I said, I did not do this. My version from your dimension did, Greg, and I’m actually the cool version of me who doesn’t get that upset at that cretinous Hook fellow from the film.

2. I did NOT have a breakdown at Applebee’s last week.

I had one this week, sure, but that’s because I’m from a timeline wherein the “Pineapple Blueberry Cheesecake Shooters” are actually called the “Pineapple Blueberry Cheesecake Slammers”. I appreciate the Eugene, OR Applebee’s staff’s understanding during the episode and would like to thank them for the complimentary order of Pineapple Blueberry Cheesecake Shooters that they gave me in pity.

The alleged confrontation made by this dimension’s me (We’ll call that “Me Alpha” and we’ll call me “Me Prime”) came because Greg ate one of my mozzarella sticks even after I found out I had to pay twice as much as typical because it was 8:30 at night and the half-priced Apps don’t start until 9:00 PM but Greg and Greg’s Horrible Girlfriend Michelle wanted me and “Thomas” (we call him “Not As Cool & Naturally Talented as Joe Tom” in the Me Prime timeline, by the way) to go before the Nick @ Nite FRIENDS rerun at 9:30. Greg would still be left unforgiven for this incident had it actually happened, but I stress that that was Me Alpha and not Me Prime, who is the one writing this right now. I am cool and naturally talented at many things – Me Alpha may not have been, but I am.

3. I did NOT get kicked out of Toys R’ Us for trying to pass off a Lego Hard Hat as an actual hard hat in order to get said Hard Hat for free.

It’s a good idea, sure, I mean, if you make a convincing enough construction worker you might as well get the hat for free. I didn’t do this in my timeline, but I can understand the mindset. That should work, and I’m surprised it didn’t. Me Alpha must not have been that cool and naturally talented.

4. I did NOT get caught committing knife-based larceny at the house of Major League Baseball Legend Pete Rose’s house

My god, that man hit a baseball many times, and he was able to afford only the finest of fine Knife Blocks. My god, you should see that beautiful block of sharp, sharp little knives. He can cut stuff real good with those, I bet. I really bet. Anyway, I didn’t wait for the guy he hired to walk his dog to leave the door cracked open for me to run in and take that 23 blade set in beautiful mahogany from his kitchen counter. Me Alpha may have done that. Not me. Not me.

5. I did NOT scream the thing that Duckie says to the Molly Ringwald character in the climactic scene of “Pretty in Pink” at a girl on the third floor of the State Capital building

“God, I would’ve died for you” was not something I said to the girl wearing the orange shirt and the glasses who Me Alpha had only met ten minutes prior. Me Prime would not have done that. Definitely not. I’m cool and collected and naturally talented and women appreciate me when I go get them a coffee from the little stand with the coffee on the third floor of the Nevada State Capital building. But I guess that’s just “Tough Shit!” huh? That’s what the guy says in the movie – Not what I (and I mean Me Prime) said to that girl before taking the coffee back and throwing it against a bathroom wall.

6. I was very good at guitar and would NOT have “ruined grandpa’s birthday party” by failing to play Stairway to Heaven for 25 minutes

I come from a dimension where I’m great at the guitar and did not just pick one up at the store followed by listening to three youtube tutorials on learning guitar in the car on the way to Grandpa’s. I’m sure the party wasn’t as good as it could have been but I didn’t stop him from turning 78, right? No. He’s still 78 so as far as I’m concerned you can get over the fact that I happened to have a little misstep. But I did NOT ruin the party, Mom.