It’s the One You Crave! It’s the ol’ Dr. P! The Pep in your Step! Just what the Doctor ordered! Twenty Three Flavors of Unkempt Taste! Tasty Brown Liquid! It Goes Right in Your Mouth and You Drink! The 23 Classic Flavors of Dr. Pepper have been kept under wraps for too long. But, me and the JoeBush.net Research Team have cracked the encrypted code that they keep hidden on drpepper.com, and I’m bringing all 23 Flavors to you, ranked in my own personal order, picked by myself.

23. Sugar

Of course there’s sugar in there. It hurts my teeth every time I drink the stuff, so it must be in there. This was a no-brainer, and I wasn’t surprised at all to find it.

22. Salt

Now this one surprised me – Salt? It’s so sweet. The salt’s there to make you dehydrated, as it turns out, so you can trick your body into thinking you need some more delicious Dr. Pepper to falsely quench your thirst. This cycle continues until death.

21. Coconut

Oh yeah

20. Almond

Oh, hell yeah

19. Ortho Orange #42

Be warned, this will turn your skin a shade of yellow that does not come out

18. Chocolate

OH HELL YEAH – The Delicious Taste of Almond Joy Candy is Present in Anything that provides A Good Taste™ to the Eaters and Drinkers of All Good Products.

17. Nokia Stock

It’s coming back up now that they’ve announced the new Old Phone. This will be good for Dr. Pepper/Snapple corporation, who has been stuffing the stock option into every can since 1997

16. Poetry

Brown Sugary

Liquid Drinkary

I Put

It in me

And I Drink

Forever and Ever

Or, wait, hold on, let me write this out and put it on top of some smart boy library books or something

15. Cherry

Mr. Pibb isn’t a coward, so he states on his dang can that he’s a Spicy Cherry Soda. The Doc can’t hide any longer. There’s cherry in here, boy.

14. Chemicals

It’s all chemicals, as my eighth grade chemistry teacher said, but it’s the type of chemicals is what matters – and these are type A chemicals. We got almost exclusively chemicals in this thing, I hate to break it to you.

13. Government Fluoride

I hate to tell you guys, I really do, but it’s Dr. Pepper in the bluepill and it’s Mr. Pibb in the red pill.

12. Fun

11. Shamwow Fluid

10. Pee Pee

That’s why we call it Doctor P! It’s Got Some Urine In It!

9. A Gun

8. Jazz

Yeah, this is where it went. Jazz got appropriated by Paul Whiteman and George Gershwin and Frankie Sinatra and it ended up in your fucking sodas, whitey

7. Communism

Okay, at this point, I’ve forgotten where I started, I haven’t named a feasible real ingredient in like seven segments, and now I’ve gotta make like blacklisting jokes right after I made so many cultural appropriation jokes? I’m just gonna say, like… I’m just gonna photoshop Leonid Brezhnev’s head on the “He’s a Pepper!” Guy

6. The Concept of God

Matthew 26:44 – “and Jesus put a maroon can on the table and said – Take, Drink, this is my Essence”

5. Caffeine

My doctor keeps telling me that drinking a can of Dr. Pepper every night before I go to bed is what’s keeping me up all night, so this must be in there somewhere.

4. Bandwidth

It’s in there.

3. Blood of Jason from Power Rangers

This is why he actually left and got replaced with this dude, was to donate his blood to the Dr. Pepper corporation in order to earn a little money, because Dr Pepper wanted in on that cool cool… I can’t actually remember anything about Jason from Power Rangers, I think he was just, like a dude – a nice dude, but still a dude.

2. Brown

Good ol’ thick brown… substance. Can’t have a drink without that.

1. Pepper

No brainer. Obvious number one. It’s in the title