5. The Anthropomorphic Personification of Big Ben

It’s a big ol’ clock with arms and legs, and boy is it mad at me. It tried to get me, it tried to take me out with its physical strength and brick exterior, but I’m better than that. I ran away and cowered in Westminster Abbey, which I assume is its friend, because it wouldn’t swing at the Abbey, and let it cool down before sneaking out. I have no desire to fight Big Ben, but it is relatively easy to evade because of its personal code against harming others of building-kind.

4. Duchess Bear

This one’s a wily one. If King Bear was lawful evil and Queen Bear was neutral evil, then Duchess Bear is absolutely chaotic neutral. I met her in the dining room of a Wimpy’s (these bear-types love to attack me at fast food restaurants, but I love fast food too much to accept that they’re gonna attack me) She wouldn’t even swing at me, she just sort of growled for several minutes and kept slapping the trays of food out of other customers’ hands. I managed to calm her down by pretending to “hop out to the loo” and then I climbed out of a window in the back of the restaurant. She saw me. She didn’t chase me.

Duchess Bear wears Three Crowns, because I cannot think of new jokes for the life of me

3. The Queen With a Cricket Bat

Having to be all elegant and perfect for however many years with all your dogs and your family and the court and the crown takes its toll. At some point, the ol’ queen’s going to have to take action into her own hands, and I found out that the point in particular is when some 22-year old blogger guy tries to play a one-man accordion show on the lawn at Buckingham Palace. I tried to run, but my cymbal shoes and my accordion and my bass drum I had on my back slowed me down. Mark that as a stalemate.

And the Queen’s got her stuff held down, don’t worry. Unless you’re me and you’re performing your one-man cover of “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men, in which case, you should definitely worry.

2. David Mech-ham

This is a robotically re-born David Beckham, whose penalty kick prowess and dashing good looks are replicated uncannily, along with an inhuman amount of strength and a thirst for American blood. I went to a Kansas City Wizards game against the Galaxy when he was playing there and they played Spice Girls music during their team’s introduction, and I think he associates me with that. Either way, he’s bent so many soccer balls directly towards my head, and I think he’d have the best shot at actually getting me if I weren’t leaving London while he’s on a suspension for scissor-kicking Diego Simeone again.

1. The Beetles

The band: “The Beatles”, famously from London, fled Jolly Old England for the safe shores of New York City and the bunker known as “Ed Sullivan’s Show” for safety after being attacked by a vicious swarm of Beetles. Their name came from the thing that tried to kill them, as was the fashion at the time. (Earth, Wind, and Fire got their name the same way). These beetles have continued to torment the good people of London to this very day. They swarmed me as I comedically walked across the street like they do on the White Album cover, which makes total logical sense as a trap, actually. I do not blame The Beetles for their thirst for blood, as I would also be angry if my kind was bastardized and turned into robots for a children’s TV show in the late 1990s. Luckily, I ran faster than the guy next to me did, as the joke would state, and I evaded them.

The English Beat, shown here, running from the Beetles that nearly killed me, and killed a man next to me.

The man next to me was chased down and taken by The Beetles. He got eaten by the swarm…

And Weird Fishes…

Picked Over by the Swarm…

And Weird Fishes…

Weird Fishes…