I bet you’d like to know, wouldn’t you? You’d like to just reach inside this squishy little brain of mine and pluck out that juicy listicle I’ve been forming in my brain ever since I saw the specs on that Super Nintendo mini? Ever since I saw all 21 one of those games you put up on that big HDMI-enabled TV of yours, I’ve been formulating and scheming for this little listicle about my favorite Nintendo 64 hits, and I know you wanna see them. You would, wouldn’t you?
Dare me to tell you? Dare me to open my big mouth and spill the beans about which games I’d spend hours working and straining to beat on a Nintendo 64 classic? Do you? I bet you would.
Fine. Maybe one game wouldn’t hurt you… But I’m warning you, it’s a good one.
1080° Snowboarding (1998)
Oh, what’s that? Not the game you were expecting to come first? Didn’t think I’d drop an extreme sports game this early on the list? Bet you didn’t think Ricky Winterborn would be the first thing to come to my mind… Poor thing, you probably wanted that Italian boy, or the elf first, right? Maybe if I give you another game, you’ll be satisfied.
Oh, don’t lie to me, you’ll never be satisfied… but maybe this one will get your gears turning –
Donkey Kong 64 (1999)
Oh, there we go! You like that a lot, don’t you? Like it a whole bunch, hmm? I can tell. The big gorilla and all the other smaller gorillas, they get you going? Get the blood pumping, get the energy up? Yeah, I see you smiling, now that I’ve got some positive momentum, this’ll really get you into it!
Yoshi’s Story (1999)
Oooh, yeah! You like the dinosaurs, too? You wanna see more of the dinosaurs, I bet! Hell yeah, now we’ve got some momentum, don’t we? I bet you’re excited, I bet you can’t fucking wait to see what comes next on my list. The next game’s going to drive you fucking wild, huh? Dare me to show it to you? Dare me to tell you about the next N64 classic I’d put on that tiny little machine?
San Francisco RUSH 2049 (1999)
Ha, ha, ha!
This one’s barely even good. This is middle of the road at best, and it’s right here, taking up all the space on my list. Think of all the excitement you just wasted looking at this, all that great momentum we had building up that I just threw away on San Francisco RUSH 2049, a mediocre racing game from Midway released for the Nintendo 64 in 1999 alongside ports for the Sega Dreamcast and Game Boy Color. Bet you feel dumb getting all excited for the next game, huh? Bet you think I’m a big bad guy, huh?
Sorry, reader. This is my list. Maybe I can build some of that good-will back up with the next one. Keep reading, I promise I’ll get better. I promise!
Paper Mario (2001)
OOooohh, there’s a nice one!
I see you now, you’re right back into it now! Hahaha, I’ve got you right in my hands now, don’t I? You looooove the little plumber and his papercraft adventures, I bet, don’t you? Don’t you? Dare me to show some more games? I bet you do, I bet you’re just begging for it, huh?
Hey You, Pikachu! (1998)
What’d I say? I told you I’d show you something, and there he is! It’s him, baby, you’ve earned it! It’s that yellow buddy we all love! And he’s here to talk to you! It’s been getting better, and it’s only getting better! We’ve got a couple more games to go, and we’re about to reach a breaking point, I can feel it! I don’t even have to ask, you wanna see more? You sure you can handle it?
Dr. Mario 64 (2001)
Ohhhh, buddy, this is the guy you want, though, isn’t it? This guy, the Italian from earlier? You like him like this? How smart he looks in that white labcoat… How caring he is for all his friends who come in sick? How confident he is when he drops those pills in that bottle and wipes out all the viruses? You like this guy, don’t you? Think you can handle another one?
Mario Kart 64 (1997)
He’s a racer, too! No wonder you like him so much… What else does he have going for him?
Mario Golf (1999)
Oh, you better believe he’s an athlete… He’s got it all… He’s got the whole package… But what you’re looking for, it’s not this, right? You love him, don’t get me wrong, I know, but you want the whole thing, right?
You want something else… You want that big adventure with him, not just a party, or some tennis, or something else, right?
Well, get ready… I think you’ve earned it… I think you should be excited to see the last game on this list… But are you ready?
You dare me to show you?
Well, here it comes…
Beetle Adventure Racing (1999)
This is what you get
This is what you get for pulling something like that! You led me along for the whole listicle, and this is what you get. It’s Beetle Adventure Racing, and that’s it. That’s all you get on my Nintendo 64 Classic, and you better believe I’ll drop eighty dollars on that just to sell it on eBay at a slightly inflated price… Will you?
You clicked on this, didn’t you? You wanted to see my N64 games, and you did. You’ll drop eighty dollars on this little thing just to play a little bit, just a little smidge, of Beetle Adventure Racing, won’t you?
Yeah, you will. You know you will…